Home sweet home

Today is the last day my second semester of my first degree year.. I can't wait to go home, but my flight has been delayed..urghh .. i really don't like this when it happen.. But i guess i'll just have to endure it because the most important thing is i get back safe and sound.

Semester 2, my story:

It's been quite short and busy with assignments and preparation for the finals, but now the exam has ended. now the agonising part is waiting for the results, like what my friend told me. But to me, i don't care because i only start worrying when people keep asking me how much i got for my exam.. that's what i don't like. For this semester, i'm not that confident but i've done my best and i guess i can say this is the first time i don't have any regrets because i've studied everything i could possibly read and also remember notes from lectures and most importantly, my lecturers really helped me alot through endless exercises and also extra class, but everything bear fruit successfully. I'm very grateful for them. For the next semester, i pray that i could get lecturers like them also. Well, i can't wait for the holidays to begin because i want to spend it fully and the happy news is, my big sis is coming back, i'm so happy. i have to admit there will be fights and jealousy but i still love her, somewhere deep inside my heart, there is some love for her though.. hehehe ... gotta go for now, heading to the airport .. :) God bless and happy holidays ..

Time is the best teacher

When we look back, there's so many things which we have learnt from our past. It may be good or bad but still it's a memorable experience. I've lived a normal life and I'm grateful because time has shaped me the way I am now. I know what i should and shouldn't do in order to prevent history to repeat itself, though sometimes there are situation which cannot be avoided. Still, we grow and mature after every step, that's what make us who we are today.

I learnt to be humble because over-confidence only make me look foolish and I really learnt it through a hard but useful lesson. Well, sometimes it's meant to be so.. there's nothing we can do about it. Unless... we change fate.. :)

This is the last week of class and also three more papers to go. Counting the days to going back. For the past two years, I guess I've really grown up to become someone who could think in a more critical manner and also watch my mouth before i say something that could cause destruction. I learnt to love, hate, cry and rejoice.. I love my life .. :D be grateful and rejoice every single moment you're still breathing.. GOD bless..

Reminiscence bump

Since the holidays almost here, i really can't think of anything else but to go back to my beloved home.. but now i've got two houses!!! hehe, nothing to be proud of but i can't wait to go back to my second home.. it's like a villa to me and when i'm there, i feel so inspired and i even i'm a writer or novelist on vacation because i really have this mood to write something. the scenery is awesome, the air clear and the place.. no words can describe how amazing that place is, at least to me..

(this is the living room, now it has a new addition, panasonic Plasma TV.. hahah.. and DVD player)

(this was taken in the morning after a whole night of heavy rain.. lucky the house is quite high)

(the "ruai".. it was still merdeka month so Sarawak flag!!! heheh .. my dad's very patriotic)

(that's my dad, the dining room, empty table..in the process of packing to go back to Kuching already)

(taking a last pose before the trip back to Kuching, really dont feel like going back to the city)

well, city life is very hectic now and so hot!!! there's so little green compared to when i was still small, now everything i see are highways and new building construction.. the next shopping mall in Kuching is almost ready i guess.. a connection to tHe sPring --> the Summer .. or is it Autumn, my memory is slowly failing me ... :(

Well, I still have exam going on next week before i go for my vacation, so.. wish me luck .. and also Good luck to those taking their finals.. God bless.. bye for now ..

say NO to the other ME

Fakers. I never stand them for long. It's so tiring to put up with their annoying attitude. why can't they be real for once? we are also humans and we have limits too. They always think the world rotates around them. Their treatment? hmm.. constantly changing like the flow of the river. Just be yourself and be true t0 yourself, if you don't like to be what you're not, then stop right now. Screw those who don't want to accept you for who you are. Don't you think it's pure torture to act as someone you're not?? you're not an actor/actress okay? No hard feelings, just that it's been too crammed in lately and i'm tired of all this drama.. It's not like we're in some typical korean drama where conflicts occur almost everyday. I just want to live a peaceful life. This does not concern anyone, BEEN READING SOME POSTS ON THE NET, SO I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD TOPIC.. it's GENERAL so don't take it to heart readers. Or maybe you also agree with my opinion .. :)

Christmas spirit

Ha .... Christmas is around the corner.. Can't wait to go back.. The spirit of Christmas is so strong! I really miss my family right now, their warmth and love is enough to melt my cold heart. Can i skip my finals exam?? heheh..

Now i'm doing my revision, but i'm also listening to Christmas songs already, some in the process of downloading. Now it's TVXQ's Silent night.. Really love it!! Been repeating the same song for three times now .. Went out yesterday after church and i saw this huge tree so i asked permission from the cashier if i could take a picture of it. Here it is. so lovely ..

now my Christmas mode is on. God bless me for my coming exam .. Bless everyone on this blessed season ... :)

How it feels to belong

Feeling wanted is the most important thing a person wants to achieve. Otherwise, we feel isolated, rejected, unwanted, and so on. For me, feeling wanted is very precious. It gives you a reason to continue living, it gives you Hope to look forward to another day, it is able to carve a smile on your face despite how bad the day might be.. I'm blessed because my family is always there for me. So far, they have been the ones who are really supporting me from the back. If not for them, i don't think i can carry on to see another day. They are the ones with you through thick and thin no matter what situation you face. Conflicts occur, of course, but like they say, blood is thicker than water. Therefore, appreciate your family because you never know what will happen next.

Dolos Hope is in KUCHING SARAWAK

I'm so grateful i was in time to go visit Dolos Hope before i go back to my campus. SO i bought some books i find useful for my studies and also a knitting book to satisfy my hunger for my hobby. Thanks to my mummy who bought it. Love you lots mummy!!!! i want to share a few shots that i got from my dad's phone. brought back memories about Doulos too ..

(the ship upfront, don't know why but i feel so proud just looking at it)

(He's a real human ok? but he's so great, after so many flashes from countless cameras, he never even blinked once! wow.. but i'm quite scared of him ..)

(this is one of the pictures taken from the gallery, it's a story of a journey, it's taken from the Bible, a very famous story, the parable of the prodigal son)

(this sign really captured my attention, sometimes, i just don't know where i'm headed to, i just follow where my feet take me)

(this is the logo.. i hope it will come here again soon)

(this is my mommy.. hahaha.. love her!!)

The next destination of Dolos Hope is Kota Kinabalu Sabah!!! that's where my campus is.. the unfortunate thing is, when the ship hits Sabah, i'll be already flying back to Kuching so i won't be able to go and visit. so, thank goodness for this heavenly opportunity. So, those staying in KK, do anticipate their coming on 17th November 2011 and support them .. :) bye for now.

a holiday well spent

My holidays is almost over and i'll be going back to campus in a two days time. but i'm happy because i have done a lot and i did not waste my time in vain. I did a lot of things together with my family and i will cherish those moments everytime i feel down and sad. Family is everything so please don't ever despise your family because they are the ones who will be with you when all things leave you. Since my third sister just finished her PMR, i got to spend most of my time with her because she didn't go to school anymore. I also did some revision on my studies as the exams are just around the corner. Besides that, i also went back to my father's village during the weekend and it was a bliss, although the rain was pouring like what. I even went to church there, which i haven't been to for a very long time until people around me asked who i was. hahah.. i am proud to be an IBAN! I never realised it until lately because i have found people who love me for who i am, that is my family and close relatives.

Anyway, while spending my time mostly at home, i did the cooking and took care of my sisters and working mother, hahah.. and also did some baking, which is something i didn't do for a long time also because of business due to my homework and stuffs. Luckily, like my mom said, my skills still haven't faded yet, happy to hear that. So, i want to share a few pictures on how i did my CHICKEN PIE. it's some recipe i got from the newspaper and the filling is inspired by my GRANDPA, because a long time ago when i was still little, he always made chicken pie for me and my eldest sis and we would follow him to the market and but fresh chicken breast. Later we would just sit there and watch him peel the boiled chicken, he is a very detailed man, and still is.. LOVE YOU Grandpa!! :)

Yarn day

On 14th October 2011 it was Yarn Day which was celebrated worldwide. I'm a yarn freak, as i call myself.. I love yarns, as it goes together with knitting. So in order to show my love, i downloaded a pattern and knitted roses and made them into badges. I just started knitting at the end of last year, but it's almost a year now since i've started knitting. I enjoy it because it helps with killing those idle time so i thought to myself, might as well make myself useful.

So far, I've knitted small items like roses and also small bags that can be used for dinner or an outing. My biggest project was to knit a cardigan, but it didn't come out as expected, well i'm just a beginner after all. So i will finish it up this coming long school holidays. Another project will be a scarf, it's quite long but some suggested it to be longer, so i'm still continuing to lengthen it. It has been some time since i've knitted something big because i've been very busy with assignments and with the upcoming finals, i'm now starting to do some serious preparation because i don't want to get over-confident like I did last time and i really regretted my ruthless behavior.

Currently it's a holiday, even if it's only for one week but I really love it because I've got time to spare with my beloved family before i sit for my most important exam. My family is the only ones who understand me for who i am.

Those are the roses I've knitted. Good night for now.

Don't judge or be judged

It's a normal thing to do because it's like a routine and it feels weird if we don't comment about others. Given the consequences, these things never do really stop because we are not aware of what we are talking about, to us maybe it's harmless but it's not. I'm one myself and seriously, old habit dies hard. It's so true. Keeping silent could be such a pain at times. Still, it helps not to talk also because we never know when the cycle will come to us. No one is perfect so gossiping is sure to occur. Don't be shocked when you hear rumors spreading about you too. It's hard or impossible to prevent these things but we could avoid it by not saying too much even though we want to. It's hard but do give it a try, I did, but not all the times also (sad you know.) this is because there are also people out there talking about you and you just don't know about it. So, beware before opening your mouth to the public.

Like a quote i read recently:

~you know my name~

~not my story~

~you heard what i've done~

~not what i've been through~

(i really love all these quotes)

Well, it's so true. Often, people just listen and take in what they want and need to know without considering that person's feelings and what really happened at that time. I've been through that road before. It really hurts you know? people just attack you even when they don't know anything. but as time passes, somehow the truth will come out and eventually everything will be cleared. but the time cannot be mentioned exactly because only God knows. All these are God's will and no matter how much we are hurt, something always happen for a reason even though we don't understand it.

that's all for tonight, not feeling well, under the weather.. good night.

Life's but a maze

The good news about maze is that one way or the other you will surely find a way out. The bad news is, you just never know how long it's going to take. a lifetime? perhaps not that long as long we have the determination to keep on walking and finding a way out. That's life as we can see it.

There are times we think that we have reached the dead end in life and choose to end it permanently. Well, it might sound reasonable at the height of the moment, but after that, regretting it eternally won't help because there's no turning back. Like they say, "There's a silver lining behind each cloud". It might not be your day but you never know what tomorrow bring.

Live your day as if it was your last. You never know when it's going to be your last. This means that we should always appreciate what we have and be thankful everyday despite what is happening. Sadness does not last long and neither do happiness. Hence, when you feel you're on top of the world, don't feel so full of yourself, and same goes to those who are sad, it's not the end of the world. I can say this because I've been there before.

Like a maze, life is full of curves and sharp bends that is so sharp to penetrate through our heart. But time heals, though scars remain. However, remember, those scars are marks to tell us that next time we want to go towards that path, we are being reminded and therefore that same mistake or sadness will not be repeated(there are some though, who just can't seem to get enough of those scars,like me, sometimes) . .

Currently I'm still journeying in this endless maze route and i just can't wait to get out. There are a few "roads" i know i shouldn't walk through the second time through a hard lesson. But then, experience is the best teacher. I pray for protection because the path of the end of the journey is going to be even harder. This is only the beginning of my journey..

I seem to be focusing more on my homework and korean dramas(like crazy!!) and i think i'm liking it because i want to finish everything in time and i'm trying to be more responsible and i don't care what others might think of me. I am me and I'm not ashamed to be me.. On korean dramas, it's like a marathon! Can't stop and from the month of september until now, I've finished watching 2 korean dramas(49 days and Lie to me)!! wow, before this was "The greatest Love" .. now i'm watching the third one, "Romance town". Because being alone is such as bore so while eating my dinner I'll watch it or when i'm feeling lonely. But of course my homework is still being done.. But of course, laziness tend to occur also..

It's really fun.. I just got a quote from the internet and it spoke my mind-

~Don't depend TOO much on anyone in this world~

~Because even your shadow leaves you~

~when you're in darkness~

Well, it's normal nowadays. I don't want to touch on this topic~~

I guess that's all. Have a good night and God bless..

Alive but trying to be grateful

Being alive is so far the most happiest moment that i could think of right now. Other than that, there's nothing to look forward to in life and nothing to be happy about. I'm trying to be grateful that i'm still alive but the thing is we humans are never satisfied with what we have and we want more. When things are taken away from us, we will collapse. Conclusion, greed is not a good option. Still, as a normal human, it can't be avoided. People who says they are satisfied are liars or aren't aware of what is really inside their heart. I'm one of them but it's ok, that's why God is here. Because only He can satisfy the hunger within us. Anyway, things aren't going that well but I took it as it is and now i'm trying to be as ignorant as possible. It's so tiring because i stayed up the whole night thinking about stuffs .. hmm~~

Well, I believe in pay back time. And i think it's now. Everything has been going wrong lately. Nothing seems right, I didn't do well in my exams, I found out some horrible truths and so on. Nothing is okay. I was just listening to some of my favourite songs from a Taiwanese band, F.I.R., their old ones, entitled "Fly away". I really felt like flying away from this place, leaving all my miseries behind and forgetting my past. of course it's not possible. Bu the lyrics gave me strength ..

[the english translation]

~ fly away, it doesn't matter how much tears are shed

~as long as there is still determination

~ I will be afraid of nothing

~the journey ahead is not as easy as I thought

~therefore I must be braver

Well, I feel a little better after hearing this song .. :) in life, we don't always get what we want but what we get is actually to help us grow up without us realising it until the time comes then we will know ..

Grateful is a word I need to use often from now on.

G- God is always there

R- Ready to help us

A-Although we think we're alone

T-Time will tell

E-Eagerly wait for that day

F-Finish what you have started first

U-U'll see that when He comes

L-'Lonely' is a word you will hear no more

[using my new knowledge from poetry lesson today .. :D you should try it too! it's fun!]

Well, time will tell.. now i just can't wait to go back to my family .. bye for now ~~

From hope to dust

Why does it has to hurt? I guess I just simple put too much hope in you, hoping you would one day know, but now, it's too late.. It hurts, tears keep wanting to fall but you wont see it, no one will, it's inside.. my heart is slowly dying away now..

I was stupid to think you would ever notice you.. now i feel i'm hating you already. it's normal i guess.. I hate this pain, it's tormenting me inside.. Earlier I was as happy as usual, but now, how i wish i could turn back the time.

Will it end

Yesterday i read something from a magazine but it really struck me in the heart and soul. I felt sad, broken, but I've still managed to live through it. so i think i should be grateful. But here's the extract:

"I'm in the crowd,

but I'm an outcast"

Then I remembered myself always saying this,

"I'm happy outside,

but empty inside"

I know i promised not to be negative, but things like this has been disturbing me again for the past few months. Then I remembered something

"You can't hide behind a smile forever"

But I dont hide. I show how i feel, sometimes when i can't take it anymore. I'm still trying to manage my anger though.. I want to think optimistic .. so.. no BUTs for me :)

I have a supportive and family who love me for who I am, and a few wonderful friends who understand me no matter what I've done, i feel like s*it, but I'm making up for the mistakes i've done, still in the process .. very difficult to achieve due to my temper ..

Anyway, I guess i managed to stop myself from writing something foul .. that's an improvement I hope ..

Currently listening to my favorite band song, JYJ, they used to be in DBSK, that's why I'm also sad, but i pray for them also ..

The song is entitled "In Heaven" .. such a sad and touching song .. bye for now.. :)

Times I missed

At times like this, when all around me, all i could see are assignments and emptiness, i really want to go home. I feel safe, i feel filled, i feel.... wanted.

When i think of myself at home, I feel so happy and i really enjoyed myself at home. Despite doing my assignments, i still can relax because i have my sisters around me and also my parents whom i can talk to when i feel like stopping for a while.

Besides, there's FOOD!!! here, i have almost nothing to eat.. haha.. not that extreme but of course i prefer home cooked food..

Well, i guess i have to get going now. i have an essay of 4 or 5 pages due on monday and i want to finish it now so that i can do my reflection tomorrow. . tata .. :)

Honestly

Honestly, today i feel like crap .. :( It's been a really tough day.. Presentations none stop.. Oopss i'm not supposed to complain here.. Well, honestly, it's been a tiring day ..

I should be doing my assignment but i really feel like typing.. :D

Morning was heaven, but of course, if there's heaven there's a hell too ...

huhuhuhu ... ~.~

I saw him. yes! after a few weeks of praying i finally get to see him. I couldn't express the happiness i felt then. it was... blissful..I keep smiling and it hurt, but i didn't care. It was more than sheer good luck that i got to see him not only once, but three times!!

I will really never forget this day. Today is September 14 2011.. In another month's time I'll be ... I can only thank God Almighty for giving me such a great gift. In fact, it's the greatest gift i could ask for. It's my wish come true. seeing him occasionally from a distance is more than enough for me. I dont and won't ask for much.. I only want to see him, that's all..

Is it that difficult?? Why? When i think of it, i feel sad sometimes too.. Why can't he ever see me? Am i really that difficult to look at?

I have to get going now.. write soon .. :)

Here of all places

(Joyce n me with the year one pupils.. cute right? missing them right now)

(Angel and me.. cute and sweet girl .. she'll grow up to be a very good lady..)

(my little plump boy.. hehe... i can't spell his name correctly, i hope it's right. Dizdriz .. )

(This is with the year 2 pupils .. sweet~)

(year 3 pupils .. :D )

Finally i'm back in my hostel after two weeks of being pampered at home. I feel.. HOMESICK!!

But i must move on, i should be with my family, but here i am, of all places in my old shabby hostel. But it's great to meet up with friends, my roommate especially.

Now, everything has gone back to normal so i will have to switch to serious mode again, no more playing and there are loads of assignments to be handed in this week. Now i'm doing one of the assignment. I feel so empty and sad because i miss my family. so, I'm listening to Christian songs to revive my lost strength. Praise the Lord!

Well, in the midst of my busy schedule, i suddenly have the urge to write, again. it's been ages since i've last written. My one and only loyal fan is my baby sister. At least i feel appreciated, someone acknowledge my work. :) I've drafted something in my mind but because of all the work, i'm afraid i might have to wait a little while because i could really write.

I finally found a good title.. but i can't display it, in case someone steal it.. hehe ... i will start drafting a little by little from now .. good night then.. please look forward though..

It's nothing but a memory

When I look back at the road I've walked through, I wished i didn't.. I'm not a saint, so there are memories which i'm not proud of.. but then, it's all a memory of yesterdays ..

Now I'm cracking my head doing mt assignments.. and it's so tiring.. tension.. I'm afraid i may be wrong, write out of topic, etc .. but when i looked back, it's not like i have never done and gone through all these before.. it's a cycle, and i will have to go through it until i give up studying .. :)

I just got back from my father's village.. it was really stress releasing! The air was so cool and when it rained, the night will be so cold and i really had a good rest as compared when i'm at home because the weather is so hot, and it's haze!!

After going there i really felt refreshed and i will use that new strength and continue on with my life..

Tomorrow I will be going to school for my school based experience .. not that nervous because i have gone through it before, excited because i'm going to a school i've never been to before..

I really hope that after today everything will be good .. :)

At the end of the rainbow

I often wish what would i see at the end of the rainbow.. because i never get to see the end. I guess it's like life. we always want to see things that are impossible. But in my own world, i hope that one day i will somehow find that pot of gold. I will always believe even though it's a myth, it's just haven't been proven.. :)

We will always keep searching for that pot of gold in our lives until we find it. Sadly, most people often give up after a while, i did too but now i'm going to continue my search. My pot of gold would be of peace, happiness and true love.. What would your pot of gold be??? ponder upon it ..

My story: My pot of gold

I guess it would be to go home to my Maker. I know it's difficult, which is why i'm still searching. Like what a lot of people have been saying lately,

"God never promised to stop our misery but He promised to carry us through it"

Times can cause a lot of damage, or the other way round in a person's life, depending which side you're looking at. I admit, it's sometimes impossible to look at the positive side, but somehow, things will straighten out, all we need is to CALM down and think it over.

Also, I'm looking for peace in the midst of this hectic life. I've been too busy lately and often i forgot the most important thing, to praise God that I'm still breathing, instead the moment i wake up, i will like, "Urgh, it's morning already?!!"

I have to throw this habit away.. hehe ..

If i continue to list all the gold i want to find, it would be endless.. I'm just... empty. That's how i feel now..

conclusion: can't wait to find that pot of gold.. soon ~~

Role play daY~

Today i had a role play for my assignment. it was fun, initially, but everybody got tired, eventually.. It was a fun and memorable experience though..

Below are the pictures, for memory....

(Above: One of the slideshow for the role play)

(Above: everyone was starting to get tired.. saw the cameragirl?? She's the best.. been holding the camera the WHOLE morning..)

(Above: casts getting ready for their show :D )

(Above: these are my script and also my friends as we are helping each other.. practicing~)

(Above: this was the first group.. Puppet show!!)

Overall, everything ended smoothly.. i was satisfied because we really did do our best.. Go TESL!!! :)

Proverbs on silence

If only i had read this earlier, all these wouldn't have happened.. huhuh ..

So, readers, have a read and ponder about it when your mouth starts to get itchy ..

In the multitude of words sin is not lacking,        

But he who restrains his lips is wise.  

                                                   Proverbs 10:19

          He who guards his mouth preserves his life,       

But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction. 

                                                    Proverbs 13:3        

Whoever guards his mouth and tongue      

 Keeps his soul from troubles.           

                                          Proverbs 21:23          

 The heart of the righteous studies how to answer,    

   But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.      

                                               Proverbs 15:28  

There are more, you all can check in out on this website below:

http://solitaryroad.com/prs21.html

jogging in the rain

I had a dream, of jogging in the rain. The feeling was so soothing and i felt revived by the raindrop splashing on my face. i really feel so burden. I've made a too late decision, which is not to post any offensive blog message, but i guess it's too late..oh well, i'll have to move on, no use lamenting on the past. I don't want to talk about it.

So, let's start with my dream again. Hmm...

It was a weird dream, i was sleeping under a tree, it was already raining so you could imagine the ground was wet but i couldn't feel it. I heard a song that lifted my spirit and i jogged straight away.

I've been feeling very sad lately. I guess the road is my journey and I'm all alone, the road is curved and i can't see any ending beyond it.

But I just keep on jogging. The air was refreshing because the rain was now less and it was actually drizzling.

I guess the best translation is i have to walk this road alone. I must finish the things i have started. I know i have offended alot of people this week, I guess it's time to say i'm sorry.

I've been reflecting on myself and i hate that part of me that's too direct. I know it hurts people but i still go on with it, it's obvious they're tired of me already.

Well, now practically i have no one beside me because i caused something to happen. I want to feel sorry for myself but i can't, i've created this hell of a mess and i have to pay for my sins..

Like i say, nobody's perfect, which of course includes me..

and I didn't realise i have friends until i lose them. I will start from the beginning.

Return to the old me who always focus on her work and also korean dramas..

In fact, now i'm starting to catch up with the korean drama's my friend gave me a long time ago.

I don't want to care much about anything other than my work and dramas..

I will be much happier i guess..

and one thing for sure, i will learn to appreciate the things which i have lost after this hard lesson..

Remember: I must finish the journey I started, to those reading this blog, thanks for loving me the way i am, and once again i want to say i'm sorry if i have offended u in any kind of way..

From today on, this blog will be more on my life in general, not too in depth and also i will reflect more on the RAiNboWS in my life ..

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL .. :)

My idol

He's perfect. Just the person i'm looking for. Tall. Fair. Handsome. Athletic. and one could say he's everything that i want. Just today, i found the right word for him. He's nothing but an idol that i admire. Sad to say but that's the truth. and it hurts. I like him, but he's just too far away. It's like he's in Mars, and i'm on earth.

I guess I've figured it out too late. It really hurts me alot just to think about it. Well, i guess i have to move on with my life, but i will still like him anyway. Because he's the one for me .. :) I hope that one day he'll know that i exist, that's the least he could do right?? huhu ..

My story: It started with a glance

I always saw him around but i never thought things would get that far. I admit I had done something to make him notice me. But it's not what you think ok? It's stupid but naive.. But I'm not ashamed of it. I feel happy. I had achieved something in the whole of my life, like finally!! The incident was months ago, but I will never forget the day. Who knows what will happen in the future? I will never stop hoping until something comes up and can convince me to give up upon him. I just hope i wouldn't be the last one to know.

He's really committed to his studies and also family, or so i've heard. I really admire him because he's very serious and does not take anything lightly. He said he was not ready for any relationship. Though sad but i guess that's what i like about him too. He's honest. He doesn't fake his feelings like most guys would in order to get more girlfriends on their list.

So far, being single is fine but of course, occasionally i would envy those who have their partner with them when they go to the movies, because i'm either alone or with my girlfriends..

I guess i have to go now. Catch up soon..

This is Christiano Ronaldo, it's his idol, and now i like him too.. but somehow he also looks like him.. heheh ..

When U smile

I don't know why everytime i see you i will smile, and everytime you smile i will also follow suit. But I don't like you. I just see you as a friend, so it's normal right? But when someone talks to you, i feel annoyed, am i jealous? nop, i just get annoyed.. that's it. Am i denying what my heart is trying to tell me?? I'm not sure..

Today i saw u again. but I decided to act cool, how i wish i could be myself but i can't. hmm..

Anyway, today is really tiring because i prepared everything for the role play and yet it can't be recorded today just because someone had to get the promotion, i wish to forget about today so i won't be discussing it further.

Tomorrow there will be an exam or quiz on badminton, finished reading the notes but seriously, i'm not confident at all, so i'm going to have to depend on my common sense. Same thing, I lack common sense, i can't always think outside of the box.. = =''

These few days have been very stress and i feel my life is upside down, i feel lost, and i need someone to guide me .. fortunately i have a guide, who will never leave me like other people.. my Saviour.. God's words have never failed me till today. When I'm down, verses and scriptures suitable for me will just somehow pop out at the right time. To me, it's God's will, not coincidence, because i'm positive some non-believers will say it that way, like "you're exaggerating too much".

Well, only God and i knows.. :) I'd better get going. bye..

Something I need

Humans have so many flaws .. I find myself far from being fixed, it's like I'm damaged for good. But one thing that kept me going through each day is God's words. It's like food to my spiritual hunger. Now, in the midst of assignments and all things, I feel so depressed because of certain things which i can't openly discuss but i just feel hurt, why can't i ever go through the assignments easily? there must always be obstacles, different heads, procrastination.. I hate that part the most. but when i ask questions, i will become the BOSSY member. "Who does she think she is? stupid girl!" fine.. I didn't push but the work just never gets done, until the night before we are suppose to hand in the assignment! Can i conclude that every students on this face of this earth will surely face this kind of problem, if you deny my statement, then surely you are one of those lazy people! I try not to get mad, because it's bad for my health, but i can't help it. I've been tolerating this scenario for 2 years already .. It's already like a cycle of life ..

Today I'll talk about something i need. I need peace and wisdom because with that i believe i will not get mad and know the importance of taking one day at a time. Now, i simply can't, really disappointed in myself because I'm human!

Starting from today i will do my best and depend of God's love for me. There's so many semesters more to go before i graduate so this is just the beginning.. Patience Sophia ~~ good night everyone and God bless in this assignment month .. :)

Hungry physically and spiritually

I only had instant coffee and biscuits for my dinner, and now my stomach is killing me, so i'm munching on mamee monster. At least my stomach would be quiet for a while.

Actually I planned on sleeping early because i had the symptoms of getting a fever. feel cold and the air is chilly but now i feel a little better.

tomorrow is monday and i really dread it because it's going to class all over again. but the difference is my assignments just keep on increasing and I've got to finish them in such a short period of time. Hunger in the physical is still ok because you can fill your stomach with food. But spiritually? It's not simple as i thought it was. The more you hunger for God, the more the devil will try to stop you by putting trials and temptations. But, we must always stay strong and believe in God's promise.

I just read from the Daily Bread recently and one of the writers wrote, something like this, troubles can either lead to to God or against it. I prayed and my day turned upside down immediately. My rice cooker was confiscated and it was so not my fault because my friend borrowed it and she just put in at the pantry. what a lucky day for the warden to come..

What did you expect me to do? I cursed like hell and promised never to lend anything to her anymore. She didn't even feel sorry at all!!! Not the least bit sorry! How could I not be mad and i was really mad. I straight away went to sleep and when i woke up, I reconsider my anger, I knew it couldn't be avoided. but the question is, has the days incident brought me nearer to God or further from Him? I was ashamed of my actions because i did it based on the heat of the moment. I regretted my action, prayed for forgiveness. That day really taught me a huge lesson. To God or against Him, as simple as that. I really pray for more patience and also today's bible reading was that Solomon asked for wisdom from God and today i ask for God's mercy and forgiveness and also pray for patience and also wisdom in action and in everything i do. Good night all .

Which road to choose??

Have you ever thought of which way you're going when you're at the crossroad of your life? or u just prefer to choose the road that is more exciting, more fun and all the things the world has to offer to you. Well, I guess you better take the better look at the road that you are about to travel.

I've been thinking about what topic to write and after today, I just knew what to write.

Going to the Alpha course for the third round starting from last year has really transformed my life. Each Alpha changed my life in a different way in various perspectives. I learned to know about a God who is so merciful and loving, slow to anger but rich in kindness. I'm born in a Christian family but honestly speaking, I didn't live a Christian life until I went to this Alpha course, it's not to say that I'm a holy person now, I'm doing my best to alter the mistakes I have made in the past.

Anyway back to the topic which is "Which road to choose", the decision we make today affects the life we live tomorrow. It's vital that we make a wise choice. The reason why I want to talk about this is because after going to today's Alpha, which is the first meeting, mentioned about this, which really disturbed my mind because now I'm going through one of those bad times, as you can say it.

The question is, would you choose your own feelings or the promises of God?

My answer: the promises of God, for sure! I don't trust in myself anymore. It's not just difficult, it's impossible. which is why every time I pray, "Lord, I surrender everything to you". I can't do this alone, I can't manage it alone, I'm just simply too tired. Like now, when I'm facing hardship and all, my heart is actually asking me to blame everything on God because He didn't help me when I fell into the ditch. But in the Bible, God promised us all, saying that "I will not forsake you nor abandon you". This promise is great enough to raise me up and face the challenge again.

Which brings us to the main topic again, no matter which road you will choose, remember, do it based on what God has promised us, and NOT on our foolish and naive emotions. I made that decision and it really transformed my life. I know I'm not perfect and I'm still human, which means I still get mad, I still gossip, but one thing for sure, I know God is always there even though sometimes we feel He's not. That's why Jesus told Thomas, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed". Like what I remembered from the Alpha course earlier, God has given us lots of evidence, and we should be thankful because it means our faith is not a blind faith. We believe in One living God. Amen ..

Let's pray together: Lord, I pray that my trust in you will increase as each day passes and despite all the sufferings I'm going through, if it's for You, I'm willing to, because You said, "those who believe in me will live even though they die." ..

Linguistc's over!

I'm so happy because linguistics is finally over. but the thing is, i was quite happy because what i had revised had came out and it was really relieved.. I was expecting questions harder than that but.. I'm grateful and i really thanked God because while learning, i didn't know why i wanted to read that particular topic and guess what? it came out in the essay part. well.. God is great and there's nothing more i could ask for. Now studying for my last paper, literature, after that i'm going to be free.... :) i think this is the shortest post because i have to learn my literature as i'm going to sleep early.. i feel so tired now.. good night..

Newly gained freedom

Can't believe it's over.. Just finished my Child development paper and there's two more paper to go and then i'm going back!!! Now the stress part is learning for the next paper. I've studied and read through almost everything, but the important thing here is the application and also the phonology part. i really fear linguistics the most among all the four paper that i'm sitting for. Actually i wanted to sleep for a while but time is too precious and so i've decided to continue on and see my weaknesses.

Update on my spiritual life

I went to the Alpha weekend away and it was fun and memorable. Because that was the day i received the gift of tongues and also the gift of patience. Now when i see something that is supposed to make me mad, i just don't feel angry at all. Instead i accept things as the way they are because there's nothing that i can change. And the title "Newly gained freedom" really means a lot in my life because i get to see things from a new point of view. I am now reborn and i feel new and i feel closer to God because of the Holy Spirit. I don't know how to explain my feelings when i received the Holy Spirit. My leader prayed for me and suddenly I have this feeling gushing out from inside and all of a sudden i started weeping. But it was only for a while and i'm really grateful because I finally received it and now i know it. I'm confident in God right now. Before this I am confident but this experience make me trust in Him more than ever. I thank God for giving me this opportunity because of letting me join. Before this, i was hesitating whether to go or not because i have exams. Now it's proven that God is great because He had blessed me with wisdom because for my Child development, i was able to answer everything with a calm mind and also i wasn't nervous at all. Some people might say they were also not nervous so this feeling couldn't have come from God. But i tell you, only if you are filled with the Holy Spirit and the Love of God that you can experience this calmness as this is no ordinary calmness.

I really feel happy, relieved, my faith in God has increased at a very fast rate and during the church summon yesterday (Sunday), I was really absorbed by the reading because Jesus said he was going back to His father to prepare rooms for us. What a great comfort for those who are now suffering and facing the storms in their lives. Because Jesus is now resurrected.

Let's put our troubles and worries to God and let him do all the worrying because Jesus also said that let those who are down trodden and heavy laden come to Him and he will give us PEACE..

God bless all and also in your exams .. :)

What a day

Today I just finished my first paper and I feel so tired and also sad because.. oh well, the usual thing, Yea, I've studied, but not in depth. Only selected topic. Then those unselected topic just have to be chosen and asked in the exam. I felt like laughing but crying when I went out of the exam hall. SO, I called my parents and they said it's okay because there are other 7 more semesters to go. Then i said, "Yea, but if i fail, i'll be kicked out, then how's there going to be 7 more semesters?" The moment she heard this, she scolded me and said if I don't get a good result she's going to hit me.. :( So not motivating huh? anyway, thinking back now, i think i've done my best and i'm quite satisfied because i've all the question, just that I'm not so sure about the answers. Thanks God because i've finished today's paper peacefully and no disturbance whatsoever.

Now I'm kinda relaxing because i've just finished watching "Merlin Season 3". Listening to songs and i want to continue to study for my nest paper, "Child Development", the last chapter, later maybe.. maybe i'll continue on with Linguistics.. :)

Yeah, that's right. i must motivate myself because if not who will? God alone is not enough. I have to do my part of the bargain too. While watching Merlin just now, i liked this particular verse that was spoken by Guinevere. She told Arthur that "Worry is not a good counsel". I have to agree because worrying only makes you look ... i don't know, as if you have nothing better to do. Action must be done, not only worrying..

Well, i guess that's all for now. I continue to pray for myself and also others who's still sitting for their exams.. All the best people and God bless.

Tomorrow is the day

I feel so nervous and also great at the same time. First, it's because my exam starts tomorrow and also I just had a prayer group with my friends and I feel that God is right beside me and since I have studied, there's nothing i should be afraid of, unless i'm not prepared. I am prepared but it of course depends on the questions asked tomorrow.

Well, development of the day. Nothing much to report about, except that i finished my revision in time and actually i planned to sleep but the time was not suitable (even though it was raining so hard) it was almost 5pm. So i stayed up and talked to my friend to release the stress. After that i took my bath and got ready to have my dinner at the cafeteria. It was altogether a day like other. I feel complete and happy because ... i'm not sure, i guess it's my positive thinking. I know that nothing is permanent but i will do all i can to keep a positive mind set because i won't be deceived by the devil. I know that temptation is always there but i pray that i will be strong in facing everyday's challenge and obstacles.

Thinking of going back home made me happy because i haven't seen them for almost three months now. My life now really depends on God and also what He has to offer me for the day. When i need to ask for guidance, i will pray and indeed the Lord answers because he said before, "Ask and you shall receive". God is always there, it's up to us whether we want to ask or not because Jesus said before that He will never push and force Himself into our life. Like the drawing (The light of the world) i once saw in an Alpha session recently, the door knob was on the inside while Jesus was outside knocking on the door. When people asked the painter, he said that Jesus only knocks, it's up to us totally as to whether we want to open the door of our lives to Him or not.

He will never force us because that's just His way. I was really touched by this because it only proves how great Jesus is, he will wait for us until the day we receive Him into our life.

For those who are sitting for your final exams, i pray for all of you to have peace and not be nervous on that day and also I ask God to bless you all with wisdom and answer logically... :)

Mixed feelings

Have you ever fall in love before? I have had one but I don't consider that as love because when I think back it was quite foolish because i was still so young at that time. There's this guy, I admired him at first but as time passes by, the feeling developed into something more, i started liking him, a lot. I tried to change myself so that he would somehow notice me. And also improve on my studies. But nothing had changed and now I seldom see him because he's so busy and yea, we're really far apart.

Then I watched this Thailand movie, the story line was exactly like mine but of course it's fantasy and they ended up together because the guy also liked the girl as well. As for me, that's a different story. Recently, I've just denied my feelings towards him, saying that I've forgotten him already. but seeing this movie made me reconsidered what i've said, did i try hard enough? Am i giving up too easily? I don't know. I'm really confused right now. I dislike feeling like this but i guess that means that i still like him. but the thing is there's nothing i can do because he doesn't even know i exist, well actually he does but he doesn't know who i am. :) It's a long story.

Now I know I should concentrate on my exam because it's this coming Thursday and I still haven't finished revising.

So, what is the next step? I have to wait for his response then, which i have been, it's been almost 3 months now since I've been waiting.. Well, patience is golden.. I admit I'm already giving up and feeling VERY disappointed. But God has His own way, maybe he's not the one..

I wonder what he's doing now ...

Puzzles in life

Have you ever felt incomplete? Like something's missing in your life. No matter what you try to do and accomplish, that missing part or space still cannot be filled. For me, the missing puzzle would be Jesus. Believe me, you can be filthy rich and have all the things in the world but without Him, your life will never be complete. Slowly but progressively, I'm trying to fit Him into my life because I feel that I'm still not worthy enough of His great love.

I really am grateful because I've found the answer to my prayer.

Today is a great day because I went to church and I really found comfort when i was in the Lord's presence because His words really made me tocuhed and of course as usual I wanted to cry but logically I can't as there were so many people around me. Then I just thanked God from the bottom of my heart. :)

Later I went to the shopping mall with my friends, ate lunch and walked around. The Kaamatan festival is drawing near so there were many decorations and also stalls promoting products of Sabah and it was really a scenery .. I've taken a few pictures as memories ..