Humble and kind

The title of Tim McGraw's song.
I came by this song while listening to the radio one night, what hit me was the phrase "stay humble and kind". I sobbed quietly in my room. At the time i was facing a hard time, with so many things going on, i just broke down.
The song said something about no matter what you have become, successful for example, you should always stay humble and kind. And it also said about not cheating and lying, bitterness keeping you from flying.
I really felt the song.

When i finally had access to the internet in town, i searched for the song and downloaded a lyric video. The lyrics shocked me because one verse sang "Visit grandpa every chance you get, and none of it it wasted time".
Immediately i recalled my late grandpa's face, he passed away just this last June. I still miss him a lot. And like the song said, I visited him every chance i get, and none of it is wasted time. I miss him still.
Before he passed away, i had a dream about him. In the dream, he was talking to me and holding a 'peace lily' plant.
His words are still fresh in my mind.
He said that "life is short, Like this flower, it is only young once, then it wll wrinkle and die". He also showed a young shoot and an old and wrinkling plant.

Until this day, I remember his message. I guess it meant something, because i am not the type to go for adventure. I guess he wanted me to enjoy myself and be the person that i always wanted to.

The end of the old and a new chapter awaits

From my previous entry, it had been a hectic month, with so many things going on at work and I was worked to the bones, physically and mentally exhausted. 

It seems like prayers are no longer effective. 

Today is the last day of school and it's the start of the year end holidays. 

With that, I put everything to rest and I hope i can rest well this holiday. 

I will now close this horrible chapter in my life and i can't wait for the new chapter to begin. 

Slowly, as i am starting to return to the life I had with someone much much bigger than me, once again i am getting signs, telling me that I am loved, but at the same time I am asked the same question, do I love Him?

This question made me speechless. After a long and hard night of thinking things through, it was no wonder i got what i got. 

In this relationship i always expected Him to provide me with everything, but never once did i offer anything in return.
I took His love for granted. 

Silence, or so i heard, is also His way of telling me He loves  me. 

But i just can't accept it that things aren't going my way. 

The only thing i can do is try to help those who are facing things like me. 

I want to share some messages i got after i repented once again, asked for God's forgiveness and re-open God's words, how the verses spilled out of it. 

It was so amazing, the timing, the current situation i am facing, it answered my questions and challenged me to do better. 

It was a meditation that i read for the month of November, specifically on the 21st, after i felt better.

The sentences shocked me, this is the exact sentence, 

"There may have been situation in the past when you were like the widow (Luke 21:1-4), in today's Gospel. You may have found the courage to take a step of faith that brought you blessing and peace. It may be finally deciding to spend some time pondering Scripture. 

"Take my life, Jesus. I trust you that you will meet my deepest needs". 

I was so shocked and smiled to myself, luckily i was in my own room at the time. 

I guess when we open up to God, He is always ready to talk to us. 

Slowly, I am going back on track. I always take His love for granted. I guess that is why I have so many problems. I refuse to wait. I am not a very patient person. I just hope that after this experience my patience has increased. 

My hope and prayer all goes to my future now, and i will let God take the wheel from here. I guess all this while, even though i said i trust God i still doubt Him, because i have already an interest in a certain someone, but when things doesnt go as i expected, i blame Him. 

I  really hope i will wake up now. 

No matter what happens, I will trust in Him, the maker of Heaven and earth. 

Losing myself in the whirlwind of life

There should be lessons about life taught in school, of course that is not possible. The thing is, it should be because a lot of people are drowning out there. 

People are committing suicide every day and even as i am typing. It's because no one taught them how to cope up with what they are going through and no one understands them. 

Being there myself more than once, i know exactly how they feel. 

It's really difficult when you just see no roads and dead ends. 

Until this day i wondered how i managed to escape from that dreadful place.

Here's the thing: no matter what is going on in your life, the only thing is PRAY. 

Now, I am once again back in that dreadful place. i am taking a break from praying. It hurts, it really hurts when all this time none of my prayers are answered. The disappointment is just so great that even saying the word "pray" hurts because it seems like being betrayed by someone you trusted so much because He is the only one i trusted. 

I remembered someone somewhere said that 'religions are for cowards'. 

It's true because when we don't dare to do something, we would ask for His intervention, for him to help me. 

But let's face it, we are all cowards. IT's because inside us we know that there is someone greater than us. Now, i don't know what to do anymore. 

My life is at a standstill and i am still thinking of what i should do with my life now. 

At night when all is said and done, and prayer is still very painful for me, the only word i managed to mouth out before i sleep is "HELP". 

No matter how i said i dont want to pray, i guess it's part of me already. 

Now, i am taking things slowly, not wanting to hope for anything or trust in anything anymore. 

It hurts and i can't bear to get hurt anymore. 

It's a battle from within and no one will ever understand unless they go through it themselves.

So, when i hear people committing suicide, I know how they feel. The feeling of no way out, it is really difficult when you are feeling like that at the moment. All you can think is when you die everything will stop. But sadly, it doesn't. 

No matter how i want all my troubles to end, i know that taking my own life is not and never will be the answer. 

SO, i choose to stop and give up, until the whirlwind of life pass through me.

Only then, I will think about HOPE and future. 

For now, i can't see anything at all. I have no hope and no future and i certainly dont trust in any promises because they never come. 

It hurts, it really hurts. 

I don't dare to even hope for tomorrow. What I have left is today, now and this very moment. But I hope that in time to come I will see the light again.

Note to self: Please be nicer to yourself

It's the holidays again and my, my, to think I could have one whole week to myself so that I can rest and do anything I want after the UPSR exams. But alas, I find myself doing work AGAIN, even after I told myself not to. But I had to, it's work!
Then, I started thinking. Enough is enough. How long am I going to see myself being bullied by seniors? It's not even my job to begin with! And no matter how I contributed, like I always do, the credits would always go to THEM. It's not like I'm badmouthing anyone here, but that is a fact. The fact that in general, the newbies are always bullied by the seniors to do donkey work. This is so not healthy. But can anything be done about this situation?
For me, yes. I have finally, for one, decided to not say the magic word. I don't care anymore, it's not my job so when I am being questioned, that would be my respond. easy. simple. not lying.

It's really difficult to get out of this kind of situation, especially when we are in the workplace. Unless you know your way to sweettalk yourself out of the situation then you're a genius. I guess I am the dumb one here, always too afraid people might judge me for being lazy and not doing my job.
But when I think of it now, it doesn't matter anymore, whether I do the job or not, they will always be there to judge me. The reason is simple, they never like me and they hate to see me free. I have just worked my a*s off and just when i want to relax, they would say i am so free compared to them.
Life is never fair.
Someone told me some people are just so lucky to have good lives. But i told that person it is wrong. Those people have good lives because they know which side of the bread is buttered.
As for me, on the other hand, I don't go and sweettalk people, I do my job as best as I can and that's it. ( I can't and don't want to change who I am) that's why I'm facing all this sh*t right now. But I will do my best to prevent that from happening right now. If only ... All I can do is pray for something to happen now. I really hate what is happening right now.
So, I just want to push everything away and pretend nothing ever happened. What's the point of doing EVERYTHING and not getting ANYTHING out of it? It's like I'm a ghost writer. Really gets me questioning WHY is this happening to me all over again. It's because of my say YES attitude. Hate myself for that.
Well, so...
Note to self: Please be nice to yourself, treat yourself to something nice and let's forget about work for awhile.

Believe in what you pray for

Often times when we pray for something, let's face it, for example, ME, I don't really expect that my prayer would be answered. I doubt too much, I just pray because I need to, but I don't really expect it to be answered. Why? Because there was a time when I used to trust in answered prayers, and then suddenly everything changed. My prayers went unanswered and I was left there, waiting for a reply that never came.

Then, I realised, with painful truth that, it was with good reason that it wasn't answered. Most of the times, we pray with a desire in our heart. And that desire isn't healthy. It makes our prayer into something totally different, it becomes instead of "God, can I have this?" to "God you MUST give me or else..."  See the difference in those two situation? My prayer often became the latter part, much to my regret. 

I still have a long way to go in seeking God, that is why my life journey will never be a boring one, because every day I discover something new, that changes the way I see God and making me understand, though not all the time, that it's because He loves us that He refuses to give us what we want, because the thing we want, would eventually hurt us. So, if we still want it anyway, then whatever the consequences, we must learn how to face it on our own. Of course, we would also tend to blame God because it looks like it was because of Him we got hurt. Humans... 

Oh well, I was never perfect to begin with. There are so many things that I have learnt along the way and today's entry, about believing in what we pray for really means a lot to me.

The waiting part is always the hardest, but when we passed that phase, it would be a lot easier. Of course, most of the time we don't know when do we actually pass the waiting test. Only God knows and therefore, we must learn to trust in Him, and listen to that small voice, or so I've heard and read His words all the time. 

As for me, since I started to pray and BELIEVE in what I prayed for, now although I am still waiting, I will still praise Him because as each day comes to an end, my answer is a day nearer. I just simply believe that the timing must be perfect in order for everything to fall into place. I am still waiting, FYI, but I just have to trust Him on this matter, because it is a big matter. 

So, do not be afraid, pray, but take away the unhealthy desire thingy, pray with a humble and hopeful heart, and the secret recipe is to BELIEVE that you have actually received it, and thank God for it. 

Dear Me: How did 2015 treat you?

Now is already the month of December, time really passes by fast.
I don't think I am ready for 2016, just thinking of next year makes me shudder!!
2015 has been a memorable year for me, actually. Many things had happened, good and bad alike but at the end of the year, they are nothing but memories that I either want to cherish or throw away.

2015 is the year where I thought I actually met the One, but actually I just made a fool out of myself. Since then, it feels like a quest to search for the real one, until today it was without luck.
I try to tell myself that surely the Lord has something better in mind for me, it's actually to stop myself from crying because deep down I know that if i try to take matters into my own hands, I would only end up getting hurt because I haven't been exactly obedient to God. I thought that it was time for me to meet him, but I guess only God knows when and He knows the BEST time to reveal him to me.

So, through the months that came, I kept on riding this emotional roller-coaster where sometimes I feel so happy that the next day I would fall into a depressed state. Despite being sad and broken-hearted, I still decided that the best thing was still to pray.

Here are some motivational verses that I got when I was going through the hard times, and believe me when I say this, God is near to the broken-hearted! He might not be visible to us but He is definitely there when we need Him. Even though I can't see Him, deep down in my heart, I just somehow know that He has been stopping me for a good reason. Although I can't see it now, but I know that time will tell. (I got this from an FB page, really useful as a source of comfort when I am feeling down and all alone in this big world)

In conclusion, God is telling me everything is all about timing and that I must be obedient and seek HIM first. 

I get the point, but sometimes I just feel like I have been waiting for ages and nothing is ever given to me. I can't get what I want, but what I don't realize is that, without knowing it, I got other things instead, things that I never thought of. 

It's also a sign that my prayer can't be answered because it's just not good for me, no matter how much I want it, because the problem is what I want isn't necessarily what God wants for  me. 

That is why, no matter how sad or broken I am, I know that I must trust Him when He says that He has everything handled for me. 

Now, I am resetting my focus, instead of chasing things, I have stopped searching, and now I am focusing on seeking God first. I find it soothing, calm and exciting at the same time because each time I read the Word of God, there must be verses that are relevant to me and verses that I can relate to what I am going through right now. 

For example last night as I was reading the Book of Luke, when the angel Gabriel told Mary about how Elizabeth was 6 month pregnant even though she was very old, the angel said, "For no word will be impossible with God". 

And because Mary believed, the angel then said, "And blessed are you who believed, for the things that were spoken to you by the Lord shall be accomplished."

God does not take promises lightly, so I get the idea that when God promises, He would surely carry out His promises. So, I must simply believe that God has already granted His promise to me. It just takes the correct timing for His promise to come true. 

Even Jesus said, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24-

Trip to KL + Convocation day

Thinking back, I always though that graduation day would be fun, but it turned out to be my worse nightmare. I dont know if it was because of poor management or simply I was too weak.
But the process of getting to KL and meeting up with my friends and getting the scroll made it all worthwhile.

First, my friend and I arrived at KL and attended the briefing before our parents came. Then we had fun going out together, since we had never been to KL together. Although we didn't really go to many places but by just being together it was already fun!
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(Finally got the scroll, yup, I have graduated, getting a first class degree in Tesl, Thank you Lord, all glory and praises goes to YOU,)

(Flowers for me!! )