Losing myself in the whirlwind of life

There should be lessons about life taught in school, of course that is not possible. The thing is, it should be because a lot of people are drowning out there. 

People are committing suicide every day and even as i am typing. It's because no one taught them how to cope up with what they are going through and no one understands them. 

Being there myself more than once, i know exactly how they feel. 

It's really difficult when you just see no roads and dead ends. 

Until this day i wondered how i managed to escape from that dreadful place.

Here's the thing: no matter what is going on in your life, the only thing is PRAY. 

Now, I am once again back in that dreadful place. i am taking a break from praying. It hurts, it really hurts when all this time none of my prayers are answered. The disappointment is just so great that even saying the word "pray" hurts because it seems like being betrayed by someone you trusted so much because He is the only one i trusted. 

I remembered someone somewhere said that 'religions are for cowards'. 

It's true because when we don't dare to do something, we would ask for His intervention, for him to help me. 

But let's face it, we are all cowards. IT's because inside us we know that there is someone greater than us. Now, i don't know what to do anymore. 

My life is at a standstill and i am still thinking of what i should do with my life now. 

At night when all is said and done, and prayer is still very painful for me, the only word i managed to mouth out before i sleep is "HELP". 

No matter how i said i dont want to pray, i guess it's part of me already. 

Now, i am taking things slowly, not wanting to hope for anything or trust in anything anymore. 

It hurts and i can't bear to get hurt anymore. 

It's a battle from within and no one will ever understand unless they go through it themselves.

So, when i hear people committing suicide, I know how they feel. The feeling of no way out, it is really difficult when you are feeling like that at the moment. All you can think is when you die everything will stop. But sadly, it doesn't. 

No matter how i want all my troubles to end, i know that taking my own life is not and never will be the answer. 

SO, i choose to stop and give up, until the whirlwind of life pass through me.

Only then, I will think about HOPE and future. 

For now, i can't see anything at all. I have no hope and no future and i certainly dont trust in any promises because they never come. 

It hurts, it really hurts. 

I don't dare to even hope for tomorrow. What I have left is today, now and this very moment. But I hope that in time to come I will see the light again.