Life can be fulfilling, if you let it

Now's the year end holidays and I'm spending most of my time at home, helping with the house chores.
I've never felt so happy in my life before.
It seems the older i get the more sentimental i become. I feel so blessed to have a home to go to and my family is always with me.
I'm grateful for the little things i have, i don't come from a rich family but we are happy with what we have and we can still live.
Studying away from home taught me to love my loved ones more because i may not be able to see them often.
Now, my schedule in the morning will be sweeping and mopping, then i will prepare lunch.
In the afternoon, i will do crocheting and knitting, which is my hobbies.
At night, after dinner, i will read my favourite books, which i think will take me long time to finish as there are tonnes of them! I bought them at this second-hand bookstore and i was so happy because i really got a lot at a very reasonable price!!

(What i would do when i have nothing else to do) relax, loving the holidays

(Sometimes, i even read in bed, it's the best feeling ever because once you're tired you can sleep right away!!)

(Sometimes at night when i can't sleep, i would just be like this girl, sitting and looking outside my room's window, wondering about my what-if questions and looking at the stars in the sky, and if im lucky i could sometimes see the moon too, and it's light shining right into my room, if only i can follow the light, what an adventure it would be!!) 

I recently found out that life is too short, if i always spend it on revenges, then  my life will be hollow because all i feel is hatred, i want to feel love, be loved and explore the world before it's all too late) 

Good night and God bless!!! :)

I'd stick to my books

Life is never easy.. Everytime you see a green pasture, it's just a banner or a billboard.. It's fake..
Life's not a bed of roses, "thorny" roses, maybe.. not if you have a smooth sailing life, then something is wrong. Well, maybe you are an optimistic person..

I'd rather stick to my books, my own world..
In my own world, no one is able to hurt me and I'm the person that makes all the decisions.. No one can harm me or stab me, because it's MY world, MY story..

In the real world, people change too fast.. It's scary, in just a blink of an eye, everything can change.. Nothing is permanent.
I don't put much hope in the real world.. It's broken and sick..
I only put my hope in the One that created me..
I've once put my complete trust in people, but they took it for granted, they threw me aside and isolated me..
But God is great.. I survived after almost 4 and a half years.. One more year to go and I'm out of this place..
But I am grateful because this place has taught me lots of things..
People cannot be trusted and those closest to you will be the person that is going to hurt you the most.
I was stupid and still am..
I now am grateful that I am alone because in this way I won't get hurt..
However, there are some who treated me well, I am grateful for them, but that's that, I can't let anyone into my heart anymore.. I've been through too much, the scars in my heart aren't fully healed and I doubt it will recover fully..
I am also grateful for my family, though sometimes even they can't understand me.. I must stand on my own and I am MOST grateful as the Lord is always by my side when i am at my weakest point.
For that, I can't thank God enough, I know until the day I die I won't be able to repay all the kindness and mercy that He had showered over my life...

This is how I feel when everything just seems to go wrong, even the weather is crying with me :'( 

A game called tug of war

Life is like that..
Survival of the fittest~~
I guess I'm on the weak side of the rope..
And people just don't care these days, they don't care if you are alive or dead..
I just sincerely hope all this will end soon..
To anyone who is feeling down and think that the world is suffocating them:

A Prayer for God’s Protection

71 I run to you, Lord,
for protection.
    Don’t disappoint me.
2 You do what is right,
    so come to my rescue.
    Listen to my prayer
    and keep me safe.
3 Be my mighty rock,[a]
    the place
where I can always run
    for protection.
Save me by your command!
    You are my mighty rock
    and my fortress.

4 Come and save me, Lord God,
    from vicious and cruel
    and brutal enemies!
5 I depend on you,
    and I have trusted you
    since I was young.
6 I have relied on you[b]
    from the day I was born.
You brought me safely
through birth,
    and I always praise you.

7 Many people think of me
    as something evil.
But you are my mighty protector,
8     and I praise and honor you
    all day long.
9 Don’t throw me aside
    when I am old;
    don’t desert me
    when my strength is gone.
10 My enemies are plotting
    because they want me dead.
11 They say, “Now we’ll catch you!
    God has deserted you,
    and no one can save you.”
12 Come closer, God!
    Please hurry and help.
13 Embarrass and destroy
    all who want me dead;
    disgrace and confuse
    all who want to hurt me.
14 I will never give up hope
    or stop praising you.
15 All day long I will tell
the wonderful things you do
    to save your people.
But you have done much more
    than I could possibly know.
16 I will praise you, Lord God,
    for your mighty deeds
    and your power to save.

17 You have taught me
    since I was a child,
    and I never stop telling about
    your marvelous deeds.
18 Don’t leave me when I am old
    and my hair turns gray.
    Let me tell future generations
    about your mighty power.
19 Your deeds of kindness
are known in the heavens.
    No one is like you!

20 You made me suffer a lot,
    but you will bring me
back from this deep pit
    and give me new life.
21 You will make me truly great
    and take my sorrow away.

22 I will praise you, God,
the Holy One of Israel.
    You are faithful.
    I will play the harp
    and sing your praises.
23 You have rescued me!
    I will celebrate and shout,
    singing praises to you
    with all my heart.
24 All day long I will announce
    your power to save.
I will tell how you disgraced
and disappointed
    those who wanted to hurt me.

Instead, think of it as a new day and ask the Lord for renewal of strength and take one task at a time.. :)

I know it's hard, you feel like dying, giving up, crying and breaking down.. I've been through all of that and hye, I'm still typing.. Even though it is difficult to believe when i say that "God will not give us what we cannot handle".. But i'm starting to believe it... 

Still being alive and healthy is the best miracle the Lord can ever give me.. 

God bless and smile :) 

Living the life of a pauper

I guess I am much better off than a pauper really. But I just realised how blessed i am to have a roof on top of my head and that I have enough money to buy food and water to drink.
I bought lots of buns but ended up not eating it because I cooked rice instead. So for today's lunch, I'm having expired buns and a cup of cold nescafe (which was the leftover of what I had this morning).
I learnt to become grateful for all that I have and because of that I know it isn't right to throw food away because in other places, there are people dying right now out of starvation.

Another reason is because I have already troubled my family enough. They have barely enough for themselves but just one call they are willing to sacrifice just for me. I don't want them to suffer. So, at least I'm filling my stomach with food and being full is more than satisfying because I learnt to save precious food and also be happy that God has blessed me greatly.

So, what are you thankful of today???? 

Praise the Lord our maker today because HE has blessed us with so  many things in life.. Don't let the sadness of life take away His happiness for you... God bless and have a wonderful day... :)

Reality of life

Happy Sunday everyone.. The weather here is cloudy and there's no sun. But hey, it's the Lord's day.. Rejoice and be glad that we are given another chance by being alive on this day.. :)

Since I went for Sunset mass the previous day, so today I'm just staying in my room. Happy that I'm all by myself because I have the room to myself. It really soothes my soul and I can listen to all the songs I love with ease...

The exam is near so I'm starting to revise with whatever notes I had collected so far. It's difficult to study because my mind is still not in the revision mode yet. While looking through the notes, I thought about something and I just had to laugh to myself, lucky there was no one in the room with me or else they will think that I am crazy..

(Exams weeks away, have to start my revision with whatever notes that i have. feeling scared and nervous. but i know that the Lord is with me, I have to be calm and trust that everything is going to be alright) 

(That's me, now I'm renting a car, before i rented it, no one ever asked me out (other than the usuals), obviously now it's because i have a car to bring their butts around... reality of life..) 

Luckily for me, I'm immune to this situation, of course i won't lie not getting hurt and become sad, but then that's the fact of life so i accept it with an open wounded heart. I wonder what it would be like when the time comes to have my own car. wow... don't want to think that far ahead of time.. 

Changing Hearts

For this past few years, I've been through a lot of pain and suffering. Along the way, I picked up useful tips that had helped me survived in this world until this very day. 

1. I must be heartless

2. I must be cruel

But easier said than done. I didn't apply it to all situations, only in some desperate ones. I came up with this quotation which I really think suits myself, 

"Behind a heartless person is someone that used to care too much" 

I am the type of person that once you get to know me, I will really trust you without second thoughts and when you betray me, I really have no solution on how to heal my broken heart. Unfortunately, I have been mending my heart for the past few years, until now. 

I just learnt that all this are practices and I have to pass all of this in order for me to advance to the next level. 

I guess I should be happy when someone that ill-treated me also gets the same treatment. I mean, life is like a wheel. You can't be at the top the whole time. 

It feels good to watch from the outside but of course it's not funny when it's you. (Now then you understand how I feel when you treated me that way). 

But you know what, instead of just letting that person rot in hell, I helped the person. Stupid? Yes and no.. Yes because it's not logic to lend a helping hand after how the person treated me. No, is because I thought for awhile and prayed, hmmm... I'm no holy person but when I see someone like that, I just can't sit back and watch, though trust me that's just what I wanted to do at that moment. 

But knowing I am who I am, and the Lord is watching, I prepared myself, tried to be sincere, and help the person when everyone isolated the person. I remembered in the Bible Jesus said "Love your enemies".

When he/she is hungry or what, give them what they need, it's like a slap to their face because they are so ashamed of themselves because after all they've done to you, you still help them.

Personally, I don't think the people I help feel that way, I think they've no conscience at all, just saying.. 

Like I said, I'm not holy and I definitely dont want to become a hypocrite. So, I just wanted to be ME..

God is watching and people are watching too. I just hope and pray that my actions do not shame the Lord, instead it will glorify His mighty name. 

I then saw a quotation which was the opposite to my OWN quotation, i guess it's a sign telling me that I should not become a heartless person. I'm not quite sure about this but I'll try to apply it to certain special occasions ONLY.... 

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place"

God's timing

I've posted this before but then lately I keep on seeing lots of pictures and quotations that mentioned about God's timing again. Call it a sign or what, but I've found the answer to what I was searching for and being in a relationship right now is out of the question.
I won't deny that I would be happy if something good happens, but before that, I want to focus everything on my relationship with God first. There's so many things I want to know about Him and also questions that only He can answer.
Only He can satisfy my thirsting soul.
Recently, I've been thinking about this person. Oh well, I don't know why but images keep on popping in my head and no matter what I do I can't stop myself. I'm not even close to that person and that's why I was thinking, "why in the world am I thinking of that person anyway?"
All this while, I only focused on God's word and I can say it's been long since I started thinking about another person. I guess I must be going mad. But I trust in the Lord and all I can do now is pray..
There was this quotation from the internet that I just read and immediately I liked it,

"And one day, you will find someone who will shower your soul with joy and wash away all the pain of yesterday"

When I read the caption, I was like "Wow", certainly can't wait for that day to come. But I just don't put my heart into all this anymore because in the end I will only hurt myself, but I will be the one that is thinking too much while the other party doesn't even know I exist! 

Another picture will be this one: 

Crazy with crocheting again

During my teaching practice, there was this girl who really admire my crochet work because I made my own pencil case and also water bottle holder. So I was inspired to make something for her. The famous trend was or still is the minions from Despicable me. The one i made for her was horrible due to time constraint.
But when she received it, I tell you nothing can compare to the joy in the eyes. I feel so happy and embarrassed at the same time because I should have given her a much better one.
Personally, instead of a minion, I think mine looked like a 'banana man".
So, after teaching practice ended, I searched the net for patterns and found one, I edited a bit here and there to suit my own liking and made one minion. It looked weird also but my friends thought it was cute. Oh well, below are the pictures. And after that I also made another one, "Nyanko sensei" it's from a japanese anime and I really love it, but as usual the outcome wasn't what I expected. I feel like I'm Doctor Frankenstein.
See it and believe it...

After finishing the two projects, I just felt that I need to do something else.. So I came up with the idea of making key chains for my bag.. So i just made my own pattern and wala... :D

Learning from mistakes

Actually I never learn from my mistakes, that's why i keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over again, I am aware of it but i can't stop it from reoccurring.
But there are a few things that I've learnt though:
1. I am my worst enemy
2. I really need to stop using all my strength and start to depend on God
3. I am hopeless without God
4. All in all, I need God desperately

Sometimes I feel Him, but there are also times that I feel I am just bluffing myself. I am sick and tired of everything around me, i want it all to stop so that i can have a rest, but nothing good ever happens, not to me anyway.

As usual I went to search for inspirational quotes to lift my spirit, then I found a few. I know all things happen for a reason, but i just can't accept it because i just refuse to stand corrected!! So I learnt it the hard way..

Dear Lord, please continue be with me.. Amen..

Mural project for the school

Doing my practicum phase II in SK St Joseph Penampang for 2 months. Came up with an idea to make a mural to contribute for the school.
 Below are some of the pictures: Enjoy~~

(Painting the base, of course I did it with my partner, this was day 1) 

(Day 1 - finished painting the base and just let it dry first) 

(Day 2 - painted the cloud and coloured it, there will be words on it when it dries)

(This was the draft I made - Just a simple mural) 

(The final product on Day 2) simple but I really like it :D ) 

After a while

Haven't been updating for quite awhile now.. Bust due to many things..
But hye, now it's already September..
Currently doing my practicum phase II for two months and next week is already the final week, time really flies!!
Been under the weather but praying to get well quick because there's so many things I have to do..
Rented a car with my coursemate, that's why I've been busy exploring places while I have the chance..
Life is short and we should enjoy it to the fullest.
Below are some pictures of my pupilss that I'm currently teaching, enjoy :)

 (Year 2 pupils, naughty but cute)

 (Y 2 pupils also, just look at their mischievous faces)

(Aden -- answering a question also year 2)

(my year 3 pupils..)

( The school's kokum week - games..)

(The fill in the water in a bottle game, very funny and challenging~~)

That's life

Sometimes in life, there comes a point when you say to yourself, "Just give up".
It seems like nothing you do ever seems right, everything around you seems bleak and hopeless.
No one cares what happens to you, unless you're in their way.
Time doesn't wait for anyone, it goes on and on and if you can't catch up, you'll be left behind.
In my heart, I keep waiting for that something, which I myself do not what is it actually that I am waiting for.
A ray of sunshine, perhaps, to warm this cold dark heart of mine, but nothing good ever seems to come in my way..
All I get are obstacles, storms, things that demotivate and crushes my spirit. I don't want to give up but I can't see things in the positive way anymore.
Well, the only thing i can do now is relax and wait before I asssume my journey.
I'm tired in all ways, name it, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and just about every other things.
So many things have been going on inside my mind lately and I'm beginning to question myself whether or not I'm losing it. I hope not of course. I guess "stress" is normal nowadays.
I just don't know where to go now..

No one will ever know how you feel because they are not you. The word "empathetic" is just a word.
We all know most of the times WORDS can't even express how we are feeling.

At times like this, I try to stop myself, go to a quiet place (if i can), and just think and reflect, where did I go wrong. Why is everyone doing what they're doing? And also, search for Him.. I have to admit, it's hard, because most of the time, He's quiet.

I was never a normal person to begin with. Well, of course it depends on how you define 'normal'. I don't like things that normal people like, I used to have lots of friends, but after all that had happened, I feel safer to be alone. And, I don't talk much, unless it's something I like. And I seldom smile, which brings people to think of me as a snob and other things, as if I care.

But well, LIFE's like that. It's like a roller coaster, i guess now I'm at the bottom. Can't say I blame anyone, I'm just too sensitive..
Hoping for a better tomorrow..God bless~~

Happy fasting

Today Muslims are starting to fast. I decided to give it a try and this is my first day.

Woke up 4am to eat, cooked rice the day before and ate it with sardines and drank plain water. After that I went back to bed. The whole day I didn't eat anything. It wasn't something new because most of the time I don't eat much. Only in the afternoon. Time passed by quickly and I'm lucky because there wasn't much to do in class today.

I waited till 'buka puasa" which is around 6:30pm. It really was a good experience and tomorrow I'll be continuing it again.

(Happy fasting to all my Muslim friends) :-) 

The boy who cried wolf

I really love this story because it taught me a lot of things.

First, don't lie if you want others to believe in you..

Second, fooling people is not a good thing to do..

Third, at the end you will receive the consequences..


I thought everyone should know this, i mean, if you want to be a criminal, be a smart one, don't leave any prints or whatever. However, no matter we do, we can't hide it from that one person that knows everything, the one person that, to the extent where He knows what we are about to do even before we could think of it.

Let me tell you a short story, which is a true story and from here i really hope that everyone will be careful for what you are doing, think carefully before you make a fool of yourself, like the Boy who cried wolf.

There was once this guy, let's call him Zee. Zee is a nice person to begin with. But as days went by, he seldom attended class and would say he came up with something, flu, fever, broken limb, you name it! At first, everyone believed in him, me included. But then matters got worse, he started to come to class as he please and when there were class events or occasions, he would declare himself not fit to join in. Well, as you all know, his actions prolong and in the end, no one trusted him anymore.

Please don't tell me that someone is so damn lucky to be sick on such selected days. Maybe sometimes but ALL the time?? Something smells fishy here. Zee was also a clever person. For being absent always, you must present a solid reason, and with that I didn't know how he came up with MC's just to get him off the hook, and of course they were all bought. I wonder who's the doctor? No offense intended.

Just now, all hell broke loose. I'm a coward, i only say things in my heart but not out loud. I don't want to get into trouble. But i understand the feeling of the person totally. I've been working together with Zee for a long time and I really understand how he's like and so on. That's why I don't know whether i should follow my heart and trust that he might be doing all these for a reason or my brain and declare myself stupid for trusting a person that has broken his promises that he made so many times. When i'm mad, i will follow my brain. but the heart is soft, and thinking of "What if"-s ...

Well, that's the story about Zee.. I feel sad and disappointed. I thought he would change, because he DID show some signs of changing, for the better, but then now, all of that just seemed to evaporate...

We all know that only God can judge, so help us all Lord. Show us the way~~

What happened to "us"?

God was sure correct when He said that people change. Hence, it's good knowing that the Lord doesn't change and when He said that He loves us, He really means it and that fact will never change even if we change and abandon Him. He will always be at that same place that we abandoned Him in order to pursue earth's pleasure.
Good news is, He will wait for us, because like I said, we just keep on changing, God only knows us too well. However, we will stop changing if we decide to give our life to the Lord. Because only HE can satisfy our soul... Not human, not our pets, not worldly materials, but Only HIM..

How sad it is when it comes to us, humans. Things changed too fast. I just don't know what went wrong. Perhaps it was me or other factors. My experience taught me that human emotions are never stable. That's why I don't believe in promises, because from what I've been through, none of that is valid after some time. They will either deny it or say we heard it wrongly.

We've been together for quite a long time now. There's this saying which goes like this,:
Distance makes the heart grows fonder
But I guess it doesn't apply to everyone.

It's sad but that's reality. Now each of us has our own commitment (our own interest, career) and we just don't bother about others like we use to anymore. I really can't believe all of this is happening. I feel like crying and my heart is bleeding. I remember a long time ago, when we carried out something, everyone will comply and cooperate but now???

OH NO!! If this thing doesn't benefit me, why should I follow? I don't agree, bla bla bla, and the argument won't stop and at the end of the day, no decision is being made.

( I could say that we were once friends that always hung out together, go to church together, go for movies and other things, but things were different back then, back where we ddin't care much about worldly possessions, etc) 

Highlight of IPGK Gaya's Golden Jubilee

Today is the last day of the celebration and it was great! There wasn't much business for the stalls but at least we did get some profit, thanks to the first day. It was a great experience for me as i have never sell anything before. I even made "pisang goreng" and it was sold out in less than an hour.

Yesterday was the highlight of the Golden Jubilee. We had a concert and it was fantastic! It really was a memorable night and I could say we really had a good time.

(waiting for the concert to start, got front seat to take pictures)

(First performance by "Oh no it's Monday", a band formed by PISMP PJ Semester 8, my seniors, they were great!!)

(Cultural performance - Love their costumes)

(Cultural performance)

(Singing performed by my lecturer, Mr Ravi, and the background dancers? My coursemates!!!! So proud of them , they only knew that they had to do the performance like, 2 days before the actual day? WOW!!) 

(really love their costumes and their dance were so lovely..) 

(Another performance by my lecturer, Mr Gerard, and the dancers were also from my class, ^-^) 

(This was the end of the show where all the performers came to the stage and sing the song "Sayang Kinabalu" )