A farewell poem for 2016

Still not too late to wish a Merry Christmas to those who are celebrating it.

It has been a tough yet memorable year, as always. 

There is always so much to be learnt. We never finish learning even if we are old. 

At the beginning of 2016, I was so impatient in hoping that it would soon come to an end because it was really a hectic year. 

But now that 2016 is really coming to an end in just a few more hours, it feels weird. 

2017 is coming soon. 

So I have created a silly poem that suddenly popped out of nowhere. 

Here it goes:

"As the days pass by,

2016 is about to end, we ask why?

But get no reply.

Just wait and lie, 

Until 2017 says 'Hi'.

It has been the toughest yet memorable year,

Which would surely bring a tear, 

As we close this chapter dear,

Of 2016 here."

The trip of the year (2016)

This has been the longest trip yet in my life. My friend and I travelled from Kuching to Bintulu by bus, where we met up with friends and from there we continued to Miri, Brunei, Limbang, Lawas and finally reached Kota Kinabalu (Sabah).
It was a long and tiring trip and many things happened along the way, but thank God everything went well and we arrived Kuching safely on the 7th December, we departed from Kuching on the 30th November 2016.
Below are some pictures, just for sharing:

(Just arrived at Bintulu, ate at Doraemon cafe, nice western food they got there, late dinner with the ladies)

(Centre point Sabah, the place where I first went to 5 1/2 years ago as a student, now as a working adult, so many memories there. missed it so much, thank God i had the chance to visit it)

(my favourite cinema of all time, GROWBALL, i'm not sure but i can say you can't get any cheaper tickets than them, if you're a student, RM5, normal at RM7, unless the movie is new) cool right? love this place so much!

(Perdana park, the famous dancing fountain, we came just in time for the show) hehe

(Visited Low Kawi wildlife park, hot day but totally worth it, most of the places were closed, it was quite different from when the last time we visited it, in 2014)

(Smile for the camera)

(promoting the park, heheh)

(Finally, after two years we came back! This is where i got my teaching diploma and degree from, after 5 1/2 long years, IPGK Gaya Sabah, it's good to be back. hehe)

(Suria Sabah, amazing decors for the Christmas season)

(Trick eye museum in One Borneo Hypermall, ignore me because i am very poor in posing)

(Love this picture, credits to my friend, Miss J, the effects are so real. actually we were just sitting on the floor) 

(Last picture before my friend and I went back to Kuching, it's a sad parting. There were still so much to be talked about but time was just so jealous of us) Yup, same shirts. hehe

(Just some pictures taken in Brunei, the road is awesome, so smooth without any pot holes) 

(on the way to the town area in order to get to the Immigration post, Jerudong)

It was a really fun trip and I must say we should go on trips like this once in a while. 

My all-time favourite Disney movie: Pocahontas

Who's still watching their favourite movies from when you're just a child? I am!
Just finished listening to every songs and the finale made me cry.
When i was still small, i think about 5 years old, i didn't really understand it. But now as an adult, this movie is a whole new thing for me, even though i have been watching it for a lot of times.
The ending was so sad and i just get emotional so easily. It's easier to cry for cartoon characters rather than in real life.

I cried my heart out. The scene was just so heart-wrenching.
As i watched this movie now, i understand it more.

There this one song that is stuck to my head, 'if i never knew you'. It's just so sad and touching. Listening to the song just makes me cry. Their love didn't came to be but like John Smith said, "I'd rather die tomorrow than live a hundred years without knowing you".

This movie became something new to me again. A forbidden love because of different worlds. I just love this movie because i grew up with it. I feel i can connect to Pocahontas because i am also a native in my own homeland and as usual there are people who doesn't understand us. But from this movie, i know one thing for sure, and i want to hold on to it because i know it exists and it is out there somewhere: LOVE. In the end, love prevails. No matter how different we are, deep down inside we are all the same. 

Pocahontas taught me that. Who is the real savage? Take some time to ponder on this question. We always think we are better than people, smarter than people. Take some time to really think this through. Are we who we say we are?

(The right path is not always easy, but it's worth it)

(This song got me crying like what! I want this song to be a special song in my life, soon)

(The ending scene got me sobbing like mad, Pocahontas chasing after the ship and saying good-bye to him, it was just so heart-wrenching :( ) 

This year I have been revisiting old memories a lot. It showed me what i have done so far and the memories are all to be cherished and appreciated. ^-^

Humble and kind

The title of Tim McGraw's song.
I came by this song while listening to the radio one night, what hit me was the phrase "stay humble and kind". I sobbed quietly in my room. At the time i was facing a hard time, with so many things going on, i just broke down.
The song said something about no matter what you have become, successful for example, you should always stay humble and kind. And it also said about not cheating and lying, bitterness keeping you from flying.
I really felt the song.

When i finally had access to the internet in town, i searched for the song and downloaded a lyric video. The lyrics shocked me because one verse sang "Visit grandpa every chance you get, and none of it it wasted time".
Immediately i recalled my late grandpa's face, he passed away just this last June. I still miss him a lot. And like the song said, I visited him every chance i get, and none of it is wasted time. I miss him still.
Before he passed away, i had a dream about him. In the dream, he was talking to me and holding a 'peace lily' plant.
His words are still fresh in my mind.
He said that "life is short, Like this flower, it is only young once, then it wll wrinkle and die". He also showed a young shoot and an old and wrinkling plant.

Until this day, I remember his message. I guess it meant something, because i am not the type to go for adventure. I guess he wanted me to enjoy myself and be the person that i always wanted to.

The end of the old and a new chapter awaits

From my previous entry, it had been a hectic month, with so many things going on at work and I was worked to the bones, physically and mentally exhausted. 

It seems like prayers are no longer effective. 

Today is the last day of school and it's the start of the year end holidays. 

With that, I put everything to rest and I hope i can rest well this holiday. 

I will now close this horrible chapter in my life and i can't wait for the new chapter to begin. 

Slowly, as i am starting to return to the life I had with someone much much bigger than me, once again i am getting signs, telling me that I am loved, but at the same time I am asked the same question, do I love Him?

This question made me speechless. After a long and hard night of thinking things through, it was no wonder i got what i got. 

In this relationship i always expected Him to provide me with everything, but never once did i offer anything in return.
I took His love for granted. 

Silence, or so i heard, is also His way of telling me He loves  me. 

But i just can't accept it that things aren't going my way. 

The only thing i can do is try to help those who are facing things like me. 

I want to share some messages i got after i repented once again, asked for God's forgiveness and re-open God's words, how the verses spilled out of it. 

It was so amazing, the timing, the current situation i am facing, it answered my questions and challenged me to do better. 

It was a meditation that i read for the month of November, specifically on the 21st, after i felt better.

The sentences shocked me, this is the exact sentence, 

"There may have been situation in the past when you were like the widow (Luke 21:1-4), in today's Gospel. You may have found the courage to take a step of faith that brought you blessing and peace. It may be finally deciding to spend some time pondering Scripture. 

"Take my life, Jesus. I trust you that you will meet my deepest needs". 

I was so shocked and smiled to myself, luckily i was in my own room at the time. 

I guess when we open up to God, He is always ready to talk to us. 

Slowly, I am going back on track. I always take His love for granted. I guess that is why I have so many problems. I refuse to wait. I am not a very patient person. I just hope that after this experience my patience has increased. 

My hope and prayer all goes to my future now, and i will let God take the wheel from here. I guess all this while, even though i said i trust God i still doubt Him, because i have already an interest in a certain someone, but when things doesnt go as i expected, i blame Him. 

I  really hope i will wake up now. 

No matter what happens, I will trust in Him, the maker of Heaven and earth. 

Losing myself in the whirlwind of life

There should be lessons about life taught in school, of course that is not possible. The thing is, it should be because a lot of people are drowning out there. 

People are committing suicide every day and even as i am typing. It's because no one taught them how to cope up with what they are going through and no one understands them. 

Being there myself more than once, i know exactly how they feel. 

It's really difficult when you just see no roads and dead ends. 

Until this day i wondered how i managed to escape from that dreadful place.

Here's the thing: no matter what is going on in your life, the only thing is PRAY. 

Now, I am once again back in that dreadful place. i am taking a break from praying. It hurts, it really hurts when all this time none of my prayers are answered. The disappointment is just so great that even saying the word "pray" hurts because it seems like being betrayed by someone you trusted so much because He is the only one i trusted. 

I remembered someone somewhere said that 'religions are for cowards'. 

It's true because when we don't dare to do something, we would ask for His intervention, for him to help me. 

But let's face it, we are all cowards. IT's because inside us we know that there is someone greater than us. Now, i don't know what to do anymore. 

My life is at a standstill and i am still thinking of what i should do with my life now. 

At night when all is said and done, and prayer is still very painful for me, the only word i managed to mouth out before i sleep is "HELP". 

No matter how i said i dont want to pray, i guess it's part of me already. 

Now, i am taking things slowly, not wanting to hope for anything or trust in anything anymore. 

It hurts and i can't bear to get hurt anymore. 

It's a battle from within and no one will ever understand unless they go through it themselves.

So, when i hear people committing suicide, I know how they feel. The feeling of no way out, it is really difficult when you are feeling like that at the moment. All you can think is when you die everything will stop. But sadly, it doesn't. 

No matter how i want all my troubles to end, i know that taking my own life is not and never will be the answer. 

SO, i choose to stop and give up, until the whirlwind of life pass through me.

Only then, I will think about HOPE and future. 

For now, i can't see anything at all. I have no hope and no future and i certainly dont trust in any promises because they never come. 

It hurts, it really hurts. 

I don't dare to even hope for tomorrow. What I have left is today, now and this very moment. But I hope that in time to come I will see the light again.

Note to self: Please be nicer to yourself

It's the holidays again and my, my, to think I could have one whole week to myself so that I can rest and do anything I want after the UPSR exams. But alas, I find myself doing work AGAIN, even after I told myself not to. But I had to, it's work!
Then, I started thinking. Enough is enough. How long am I going to see myself being bullied by seniors? It's not even my job to begin with! And no matter how I contributed, like I always do, the credits would always go to THEM. It's not like I'm badmouthing anyone here, but that is a fact. The fact that in general, the newbies are always bullied by the seniors to do donkey work. This is so not healthy. But can anything be done about this situation?
For me, yes. I have finally, for one, decided to not say the magic word. I don't care anymore, it's not my job so when I am being questioned, that would be my respond. easy. simple. not lying.

It's really difficult to get out of this kind of situation, especially when we are in the workplace. Unless you know your way to sweettalk yourself out of the situation then you're a genius. I guess I am the dumb one here, always too afraid people might judge me for being lazy and not doing my job.
But when I think of it now, it doesn't matter anymore, whether I do the job or not, they will always be there to judge me. The reason is simple, they never like me and they hate to see me free. I have just worked my a*s off and just when i want to relax, they would say i am so free compared to them.
Life is never fair.
Someone told me some people are just so lucky to have good lives. But i told that person it is wrong. Those people have good lives because they know which side of the bread is buttered.
As for me, on the other hand, I don't go and sweettalk people, I do my job as best as I can and that's it. ( I can't and don't want to change who I am) that's why I'm facing all this sh*t right now. But I will do my best to prevent that from happening right now. If only ... All I can do is pray for something to happen now. I really hate what is happening right now.
So, I just want to push everything away and pretend nothing ever happened. What's the point of doing EVERYTHING and not getting ANYTHING out of it? It's like I'm a ghost writer. Really gets me questioning WHY is this happening to me all over again. It's because of my say YES attitude. Hate myself for that.
Well, so...
Note to self: Please be nice to yourself, treat yourself to something nice and let's forget about work for awhile.