Changing Hearts

For this past few years, I've been through a lot of pain and suffering. Along the way, I picked up useful tips that had helped me survived in this world until this very day. 

1. I must be heartless

2. I must be cruel

But easier said than done. I didn't apply it to all situations, only in some desperate ones. I came up with this quotation which I really think suits myself, 

"Behind a heartless person is someone that used to care too much" 

I am the type of person that once you get to know me, I will really trust you without second thoughts and when you betray me, I really have no solution on how to heal my broken heart. Unfortunately, I have been mending my heart for the past few years, until now. 

I just learnt that all this are practices and I have to pass all of this in order for me to advance to the next level. 

I guess I should be happy when someone that ill-treated me also gets the same treatment. I mean, life is like a wheel. You can't be at the top the whole time. 

It feels good to watch from the outside but of course it's not funny when it's you. (Now then you understand how I feel when you treated me that way). 

But you know what, instead of just letting that person rot in hell, I helped the person. Stupid? Yes and no.. Yes because it's not logic to lend a helping hand after how the person treated me. No, is because I thought for awhile and prayed, hmmm... I'm no holy person but when I see someone like that, I just can't sit back and watch, though trust me that's just what I wanted to do at that moment. 

But knowing I am who I am, and the Lord is watching, I prepared myself, tried to be sincere, and help the person when everyone isolated the person. I remembered in the Bible Jesus said "Love your enemies".

When he/she is hungry or what, give them what they need, it's like a slap to their face because they are so ashamed of themselves because after all they've done to you, you still help them.

Personally, I don't think the people I help feel that way, I think they've no conscience at all, just saying.. 

Like I said, I'm not holy and I definitely dont want to become a hypocrite. So, I just wanted to be ME..

God is watching and people are watching too. I just hope and pray that my actions do not shame the Lord, instead it will glorify His mighty name. 

I then saw a quotation which was the opposite to my OWN quotation, i guess it's a sign telling me that I should not become a heartless person. I'm not quite sure about this but I'll try to apply it to certain special occasions ONLY.... 

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place"

God's timing

I've posted this before but then lately I keep on seeing lots of pictures and quotations that mentioned about God's timing again. Call it a sign or what, but I've found the answer to what I was searching for and being in a relationship right now is out of the question.
I won't deny that I would be happy if something good happens, but before that, I want to focus everything on my relationship with God first. There's so many things I want to know about Him and also questions that only He can answer.
Only He can satisfy my thirsting soul.
Recently, I've been thinking about this person. Oh well, I don't know why but images keep on popping in my head and no matter what I do I can't stop myself. I'm not even close to that person and that's why I was thinking, "why in the world am I thinking of that person anyway?"
All this while, I only focused on God's word and I can say it's been long since I started thinking about another person. I guess I must be going mad. But I trust in the Lord and all I can do now is pray..
There was this quotation from the internet that I just read and immediately I liked it,

"And one day, you will find someone who will shower your soul with joy and wash away all the pain of yesterday"

When I read the caption, I was like "Wow", certainly can't wait for that day to come. But I just don't put my heart into all this anymore because in the end I will only hurt myself, but I will be the one that is thinking too much while the other party doesn't even know I exist! 

Another picture will be this one: 

Crazy with crocheting again

During my teaching practice, there was this girl who really admire my crochet work because I made my own pencil case and also water bottle holder. So I was inspired to make something for her. The famous trend was or still is the minions from Despicable me. The one i made for her was horrible due to time constraint.
But when she received it, I tell you nothing can compare to the joy in the eyes. I feel so happy and embarrassed at the same time because I should have given her a much better one.
Personally, instead of a minion, I think mine looked like a 'banana man".
So, after teaching practice ended, I searched the net for patterns and found one, I edited a bit here and there to suit my own liking and made one minion. It looked weird also but my friends thought it was cute. Oh well, below are the pictures. And after that I also made another one, "Nyanko sensei" it's from a japanese anime and I really love it, but as usual the outcome wasn't what I expected. I feel like I'm Doctor Frankenstein.
See it and believe it...

After finishing the two projects, I just felt that I need to do something else.. So I came up with the idea of making key chains for my bag.. So i just made my own pattern and wala... :D

Learning from mistakes

Actually I never learn from my mistakes, that's why i keep on repeating the same mistakes over and over again, I am aware of it but i can't stop it from reoccurring.
But there are a few things that I've learnt though:
1. I am my worst enemy
2. I really need to stop using all my strength and start to depend on God
3. I am hopeless without God
4. All in all, I need God desperately

Sometimes I feel Him, but there are also times that I feel I am just bluffing myself. I am sick and tired of everything around me, i want it all to stop so that i can have a rest, but nothing good ever happens, not to me anyway.

As usual I went to search for inspirational quotes to lift my spirit, then I found a few. I know all things happen for a reason, but i just can't accept it because i just refuse to stand corrected!! So I learnt it the hard way..

Dear Lord, please continue be with me.. Amen..

Mural project for the school

Doing my practicum phase II in SK St Joseph Penampang for 2 months. Came up with an idea to make a mural to contribute for the school.
 Below are some of the pictures: Enjoy~~

(Painting the base, of course I did it with my partner, this was day 1) 

(Day 1 - finished painting the base and just let it dry first) 

(Day 2 - painted the cloud and coloured it, there will be words on it when it dries)

(This was the draft I made - Just a simple mural) 

(The final product on Day 2) simple but I really like it :D ) 

After a while

Haven't been updating for quite awhile now.. Bust due to many things..
But hye, now it's already September..
Currently doing my practicum phase II for two months and next week is already the final week, time really flies!!
Been under the weather but praying to get well quick because there's so many things I have to do..
Rented a car with my coursemate, that's why I've been busy exploring places while I have the chance..
Life is short and we should enjoy it to the fullest.
Below are some pictures of my pupilss that I'm currently teaching, enjoy :)

 (Year 2 pupils, naughty but cute)

 (Y 2 pupils also, just look at their mischievous faces)

(Aden -- answering a question also year 2)

(my year 3 pupils..)

( The school's kokum week - games..)

(The fill in the water in a bottle game, very funny and challenging~~)

That's life

Sometimes in life, there comes a point when you say to yourself, "Just give up".
It seems like nothing you do ever seems right, everything around you seems bleak and hopeless.
No one cares what happens to you, unless you're in their way.
Time doesn't wait for anyone, it goes on and on and if you can't catch up, you'll be left behind.
In my heart, I keep waiting for that something, which I myself do not what is it actually that I am waiting for.
A ray of sunshine, perhaps, to warm this cold dark heart of mine, but nothing good ever seems to come in my way..
All I get are obstacles, storms, things that demotivate and crushes my spirit. I don't want to give up but I can't see things in the positive way anymore.
Well, the only thing i can do now is relax and wait before I asssume my journey.
I'm tired in all ways, name it, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially and just about every other things.
So many things have been going on inside my mind lately and I'm beginning to question myself whether or not I'm losing it. I hope not of course. I guess "stress" is normal nowadays.
I just don't know where to go now..

No one will ever know how you feel because they are not you. The word "empathetic" is just a word.
We all know most of the times WORDS can't even express how we are feeling.

At times like this, I try to stop myself, go to a quiet place (if i can), and just think and reflect, where did I go wrong. Why is everyone doing what they're doing? And also, search for Him.. I have to admit, it's hard, because most of the time, He's quiet.

I was never a normal person to begin with. Well, of course it depends on how you define 'normal'. I don't like things that normal people like, I used to have lots of friends, but after all that had happened, I feel safer to be alone. And, I don't talk much, unless it's something I like. And I seldom smile, which brings people to think of me as a snob and other things, as if I care.

But well, LIFE's like that. It's like a roller coaster, i guess now I'm at the bottom. Can't say I blame anyone, I'm just too sensitive..
Hoping for a better tomorrow..God bless~~