Humble and kind

The title of Tim McGraw's song.
I came by this song while listening to the radio one night, what hit me was the phrase "stay humble and kind". I sobbed quietly in my room. At the time i was facing a hard time, with so many things going on, i just broke down.
The song said something about no matter what you have become, successful for example, you should always stay humble and kind. And it also said about not cheating and lying, bitterness keeping you from flying.
I really felt the song.

When i finally had access to the internet in town, i searched for the song and downloaded a lyric video. The lyrics shocked me because one verse sang "Visit grandpa every chance you get, and none of it it wasted time".
Immediately i recalled my late grandpa's face, he passed away just this last June. I still miss him a lot. And like the song said, I visited him every chance i get, and none of it is wasted time. I miss him still.
Before he passed away, i had a dream about him. In the dream, he was talking to me and holding a 'peace lily' plant.
His words are still fresh in my mind.
He said that "life is short, Like this flower, it is only young once, then it wll wrinkle and die". He also showed a young shoot and an old and wrinkling plant.

Until this day, I remember his message. I guess it meant something, because i am not the type to go for adventure. I guess he wanted me to enjoy myself and be the person that i always wanted to.

The end of the old and a new chapter awaits

From my previous entry, it had been a hectic month, with so many things going on at work and I was worked to the bones, physically and mentally exhausted. 

It seems like prayers are no longer effective. 

Today is the last day of school and it's the start of the year end holidays. 

With that, I put everything to rest and I hope i can rest well this holiday. 

I will now close this horrible chapter in my life and i can't wait for the new chapter to begin. 

Slowly, as i am starting to return to the life I had with someone much much bigger than me, once again i am getting signs, telling me that I am loved, but at the same time I am asked the same question, do I love Him?

This question made me speechless. After a long and hard night of thinking things through, it was no wonder i got what i got. 

In this relationship i always expected Him to provide me with everything, but never once did i offer anything in return.
I took His love for granted. 

Silence, or so i heard, is also His way of telling me He loves  me. 

But i just can't accept it that things aren't going my way. 

The only thing i can do is try to help those who are facing things like me. 

I want to share some messages i got after i repented once again, asked for God's forgiveness and re-open God's words, how the verses spilled out of it. 

It was so amazing, the timing, the current situation i am facing, it answered my questions and challenged me to do better. 

It was a meditation that i read for the month of November, specifically on the 21st, after i felt better.

The sentences shocked me, this is the exact sentence, 

"There may have been situation in the past when you were like the widow (Luke 21:1-4), in today's Gospel. You may have found the courage to take a step of faith that brought you blessing and peace. It may be finally deciding to spend some time pondering Scripture. 

"Take my life, Jesus. I trust you that you will meet my deepest needs". 

I was so shocked and smiled to myself, luckily i was in my own room at the time. 

I guess when we open up to God, He is always ready to talk to us. 

Slowly, I am going back on track. I always take His love for granted. I guess that is why I have so many problems. I refuse to wait. I am not a very patient person. I just hope that after this experience my patience has increased. 

My hope and prayer all goes to my future now, and i will let God take the wheel from here. I guess all this while, even though i said i trust God i still doubt Him, because i have already an interest in a certain someone, but when things doesnt go as i expected, i blame Him. 

I  really hope i will wake up now. 

No matter what happens, I will trust in Him, the maker of Heaven and earth. 

Losing myself in the whirlwind of life

There should be lessons about life taught in school, of course that is not possible. The thing is, it should be because a lot of people are drowning out there. 

People are committing suicide every day and even as i am typing. It's because no one taught them how to cope up with what they are going through and no one understands them. 

Being there myself more than once, i know exactly how they feel. 

It's really difficult when you just see no roads and dead ends. 

Until this day i wondered how i managed to escape from that dreadful place.

Here's the thing: no matter what is going on in your life, the only thing is PRAY. 

Now, I am once again back in that dreadful place. i am taking a break from praying. It hurts, it really hurts when all this time none of my prayers are answered. The disappointment is just so great that even saying the word "pray" hurts because it seems like being betrayed by someone you trusted so much because He is the only one i trusted. 

I remembered someone somewhere said that 'religions are for cowards'. 

It's true because when we don't dare to do something, we would ask for His intervention, for him to help me. 

But let's face it, we are all cowards. IT's because inside us we know that there is someone greater than us. Now, i don't know what to do anymore. 

My life is at a standstill and i am still thinking of what i should do with my life now. 

At night when all is said and done, and prayer is still very painful for me, the only word i managed to mouth out before i sleep is "HELP". 

No matter how i said i dont want to pray, i guess it's part of me already. 

Now, i am taking things slowly, not wanting to hope for anything or trust in anything anymore. 

It hurts and i can't bear to get hurt anymore. 

It's a battle from within and no one will ever understand unless they go through it themselves.

So, when i hear people committing suicide, I know how they feel. The feeling of no way out, it is really difficult when you are feeling like that at the moment. All you can think is when you die everything will stop. But sadly, it doesn't. 

No matter how i want all my troubles to end, i know that taking my own life is not and never will be the answer. 

SO, i choose to stop and give up, until the whirlwind of life pass through me.

Only then, I will think about HOPE and future. 

For now, i can't see anything at all. I have no hope and no future and i certainly dont trust in any promises because they never come. 

It hurts, it really hurts. 

I don't dare to even hope for tomorrow. What I have left is today, now and this very moment. But I hope that in time to come I will see the light again.