I'd stick to my books

Life is never easy.. Everytime you see a green pasture, it's just a banner or a billboard.. It's fake..
Life's not a bed of roses, "thorny" roses, maybe.. not if you have a smooth sailing life, then something is wrong. Well, maybe you are an optimistic person..

I'd rather stick to my books, my own world..
In my own world, no one is able to hurt me and I'm the person that makes all the decisions.. No one can harm me or stab me, because it's MY world, MY story..

In the real world, people change too fast.. It's scary, in just a blink of an eye, everything can change.. Nothing is permanent.
I don't put much hope in the real world.. It's broken and sick..
I only put my hope in the One that created me..
I've once put my complete trust in people, but they took it for granted, they threw me aside and isolated me..
But God is great.. I survived after almost 4 and a half years.. One more year to go and I'm out of this place..
But I am grateful because this place has taught me lots of things..
People cannot be trusted and those closest to you will be the person that is going to hurt you the most.
I was stupid and still am..
I now am grateful that I am alone because in this way I won't get hurt..
However, there are some who treated me well, I am grateful for them, but that's that, I can't let anyone into my heart anymore.. I've been through too much, the scars in my heart aren't fully healed and I doubt it will recover fully..
I am also grateful for my family, though sometimes even they can't understand me.. I must stand on my own and I am MOST grateful as the Lord is always by my side when i am at my weakest point.
For that, I can't thank God enough, I know until the day I die I won't be able to repay all the kindness and mercy that He had showered over my life...

This is how I feel when everything just seems to go wrong, even the weather is crying with me :'( 

A game called tug of war

Life is like that..
Survival of the fittest~~
I guess I'm on the weak side of the rope..
And people just don't care these days, they don't care if you are alive or dead..
I just sincerely hope all this will end soon..
To anyone who is feeling down and think that the world is suffocating them:

A Prayer for God’s Protection

71 I run to you, Lord,
for protection.
    Don’t disappoint me.
2 You do what is right,
    so come to my rescue.
    Listen to my prayer
    and keep me safe.
3 Be my mighty rock,[a]
    the place
where I can always run
    for protection.
Save me by your command!
    You are my mighty rock
    and my fortress.

4 Come and save me, Lord God,
    from vicious and cruel
    and brutal enemies!
5 I depend on you,
    and I have trusted you
    since I was young.
6 I have relied on you[b]
    from the day I was born.
You brought me safely
through birth,
    and I always praise you.

7 Many people think of me
    as something evil.
But you are my mighty protector,
8     and I praise and honor you
    all day long.
9 Don’t throw me aside
    when I am old;
    don’t desert me
    when my strength is gone.
10 My enemies are plotting
    because they want me dead.
11 They say, “Now we’ll catch you!
    God has deserted you,
    and no one can save you.”
12 Come closer, God!
    Please hurry and help.
13 Embarrass and destroy
    all who want me dead;
    disgrace and confuse
    all who want to hurt me.
14 I will never give up hope
    or stop praising you.
15 All day long I will tell
the wonderful things you do
    to save your people.
But you have done much more
    than I could possibly know.
16 I will praise you, Lord God,
    for your mighty deeds
    and your power to save.

17 You have taught me
    since I was a child,
    and I never stop telling about
    your marvelous deeds.
18 Don’t leave me when I am old
    and my hair turns gray.
    Let me tell future generations
    about your mighty power.
19 Your deeds of kindness
are known in the heavens.
    No one is like you!

20 You made me suffer a lot,
    but you will bring me
back from this deep pit
    and give me new life.
21 You will make me truly great
    and take my sorrow away.

22 I will praise you, God,
the Holy One of Israel.
    You are faithful.
    I will play the harp
    and sing your praises.
23 You have rescued me!
    I will celebrate and shout,
    singing praises to you
    with all my heart.
24 All day long I will announce
    your power to save.
I will tell how you disgraced
and disappointed
    those who wanted to hurt me.

Instead, think of it as a new day and ask the Lord for renewal of strength and take one task at a time.. :)

I know it's hard, you feel like dying, giving up, crying and breaking down.. I've been through all of that and hye, I'm still typing.. Even though it is difficult to believe when i say that "God will not give us what we cannot handle".. But i'm starting to believe it... 

Still being alive and healthy is the best miracle the Lord can ever give me.. 

God bless and smile :) 

Living the life of a pauper

I guess I am much better off than a pauper really. But I just realised how blessed i am to have a roof on top of my head and that I have enough money to buy food and water to drink.
I bought lots of buns but ended up not eating it because I cooked rice instead. So for today's lunch, I'm having expired buns and a cup of cold nescafe (which was the leftover of what I had this morning).
I learnt to become grateful for all that I have and because of that I know it isn't right to throw food away because in other places, there are people dying right now out of starvation.

Another reason is because I have already troubled my family enough. They have barely enough for themselves but just one call they are willing to sacrifice just for me. I don't want them to suffer. So, at least I'm filling my stomach with food and being full is more than satisfying because I learnt to save precious food and also be happy that God has blessed me greatly.

So, what are you thankful of today???? 

Praise the Lord our maker today because HE has blessed us with so  many things in life.. Don't let the sadness of life take away His happiness for you... God bless and have a wonderful day... :)

Reality of life

Happy Sunday everyone.. The weather here is cloudy and there's no sun. But hey, it's the Lord's day.. Rejoice and be glad that we are given another chance by being alive on this day.. :)

Since I went for Sunset mass the previous day, so today I'm just staying in my room. Happy that I'm all by myself because I have the room to myself. It really soothes my soul and I can listen to all the songs I love with ease...

The exam is near so I'm starting to revise with whatever notes I had collected so far. It's difficult to study because my mind is still not in the revision mode yet. While looking through the notes, I thought about something and I just had to laugh to myself, lucky there was no one in the room with me or else they will think that I am crazy..

(Exams weeks away, have to start my revision with whatever notes that i have. feeling scared and nervous. but i know that the Lord is with me, I have to be calm and trust that everything is going to be alright) 

(That's me, now I'm renting a car, before i rented it, no one ever asked me out (other than the usuals), obviously now it's because i have a car to bring their butts around... reality of life..) 

Luckily for me, I'm immune to this situation, of course i won't lie not getting hurt and become sad, but then that's the fact of life so i accept it with an open wounded heart. I wonder what it would be like when the time comes to have my own car. wow... don't want to think that far ahead of time.. 

Changing Hearts

For this past few years, I've been through a lot of pain and suffering. Along the way, I picked up useful tips that had helped me survived in this world until this very day. 

1. I must be heartless

2. I must be cruel

But easier said than done. I didn't apply it to all situations, only in some desperate ones. I came up with this quotation which I really think suits myself, 

"Behind a heartless person is someone that used to care too much" 

I am the type of person that once you get to know me, I will really trust you without second thoughts and when you betray me, I really have no solution on how to heal my broken heart. Unfortunately, I have been mending my heart for the past few years, until now. 

I just learnt that all this are practices and I have to pass all of this in order for me to advance to the next level. 

I guess I should be happy when someone that ill-treated me also gets the same treatment. I mean, life is like a wheel. You can't be at the top the whole time. 

It feels good to watch from the outside but of course it's not funny when it's you. (Now then you understand how I feel when you treated me that way). 

But you know what, instead of just letting that person rot in hell, I helped the person. Stupid? Yes and no.. Yes because it's not logic to lend a helping hand after how the person treated me. No, is because I thought for awhile and prayed, hmmm... I'm no holy person but when I see someone like that, I just can't sit back and watch, though trust me that's just what I wanted to do at that moment. 

But knowing I am who I am, and the Lord is watching, I prepared myself, tried to be sincere, and help the person when everyone isolated the person. I remembered in the Bible Jesus said "Love your enemies".

When he/she is hungry or what, give them what they need, it's like a slap to their face because they are so ashamed of themselves because after all they've done to you, you still help them.

Personally, I don't think the people I help feel that way, I think they've no conscience at all, just saying.. 

Like I said, I'm not holy and I definitely dont want to become a hypocrite. So, I just wanted to be ME..

God is watching and people are watching too. I just hope and pray that my actions do not shame the Lord, instead it will glorify His mighty name. 

I then saw a quotation which was the opposite to my OWN quotation, i guess it's a sign telling me that I should not become a heartless person. I'm not quite sure about this but I'll try to apply it to certain special occasions ONLY.... 

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place"

God's timing

I've posted this before but then lately I keep on seeing lots of pictures and quotations that mentioned about God's timing again. Call it a sign or what, but I've found the answer to what I was searching for and being in a relationship right now is out of the question.
I won't deny that I would be happy if something good happens, but before that, I want to focus everything on my relationship with God first. There's so many things I want to know about Him and also questions that only He can answer.
Only He can satisfy my thirsting soul.
Recently, I've been thinking about this person. Oh well, I don't know why but images keep on popping in my head and no matter what I do I can't stop myself. I'm not even close to that person and that's why I was thinking, "why in the world am I thinking of that person anyway?"
All this while, I only focused on God's word and I can say it's been long since I started thinking about another person. I guess I must be going mad. But I trust in the Lord and all I can do now is pray..
There was this quotation from the internet that I just read and immediately I liked it,

"And one day, you will find someone who will shower your soul with joy and wash away all the pain of yesterday"

When I read the caption, I was like "Wow", certainly can't wait for that day to come. But I just don't put my heart into all this anymore because in the end I will only hurt myself, but I will be the one that is thinking too much while the other party doesn't even know I exist! 

Another picture will be this one: