From hope to dust

Why does it has to hurt? I guess I just simple put too much hope in you, hoping you would one day know, but now, it's too late.. It hurts, tears keep wanting to fall but you wont see it, no one will, it's inside.. my heart is slowly dying away now..

I was stupid to think you would ever notice you.. now i feel i'm hating you already. it's normal i guess.. I hate this pain, it's tormenting me inside.. Earlier I was as happy as usual, but now, how i wish i could turn back the time.

Will it end

Yesterday i read something from a magazine but it really struck me in the heart and soul. I felt sad, broken, but I've still managed to live through it. so i think i should be grateful. But here's the extract:

"I'm in the crowd,

but I'm an outcast"

Then I remembered myself always saying this,

"I'm happy outside,

but empty inside"

I know i promised not to be negative, but things like this has been disturbing me again for the past few months. Then I remembered something

"You can't hide behind a smile forever"

But I dont hide. I show how i feel, sometimes when i can't take it anymore. I'm still trying to manage my anger though.. I want to think optimistic .. so.. no BUTs for me :)

I have a supportive and family who love me for who I am, and a few wonderful friends who understand me no matter what I've done, i feel like s*it, but I'm making up for the mistakes i've done, still in the process .. very difficult to achieve due to my temper ..

Anyway, I guess i managed to stop myself from writing something foul .. that's an improvement I hope ..

Currently listening to my favorite band song, JYJ, they used to be in DBSK, that's why I'm also sad, but i pray for them also ..

The song is entitled "In Heaven" .. such a sad and touching song .. bye for now.. :)

Times I missed

At times like this, when all around me, all i could see are assignments and emptiness, i really want to go home. I feel safe, i feel filled, i feel.... wanted.

When i think of myself at home, I feel so happy and i really enjoyed myself at home. Despite doing my assignments, i still can relax because i have my sisters around me and also my parents whom i can talk to when i feel like stopping for a while.

Besides, there's FOOD!!! here, i have almost nothing to eat.. haha.. not that extreme but of course i prefer home cooked food..

Well, i guess i have to get going now. i have an essay of 4 or 5 pages due on monday and i want to finish it now so that i can do my reflection tomorrow. . tata .. :)

Honestly

Honestly, today i feel like crap .. :( It's been a really tough day.. Presentations none stop.. Oopss i'm not supposed to complain here.. Well, honestly, it's been a tiring day ..

I should be doing my assignment but i really feel like typing.. :D

Morning was heaven, but of course, if there's heaven there's a hell too ...

huhuhuhu ... ~.~

I saw him. yes! after a few weeks of praying i finally get to see him. I couldn't express the happiness i felt then. it was... blissful..I keep smiling and it hurt, but i didn't care. It was more than sheer good luck that i got to see him not only once, but three times!!

I will really never forget this day. Today is September 14 2011.. In another month's time I'll be ... I can only thank God Almighty for giving me such a great gift. In fact, it's the greatest gift i could ask for. It's my wish come true. seeing him occasionally from a distance is more than enough for me. I dont and won't ask for much.. I only want to see him, that's all..

Is it that difficult?? Why? When i think of it, i feel sad sometimes too.. Why can't he ever see me? Am i really that difficult to look at?

I have to get going now.. write soon .. :)

Here of all places

(Joyce n me with the year one pupils.. cute right? missing them right now)

(Angel and me.. cute and sweet girl .. she'll grow up to be a very good lady..)

(my little plump boy.. hehe... i can't spell his name correctly, i hope it's right. Dizdriz .. )

(This is with the year 2 pupils .. sweet~)

(year 3 pupils .. :D )

Finally i'm back in my hostel after two weeks of being pampered at home. I feel.. HOMESICK!!

But i must move on, i should be with my family, but here i am, of all places in my old shabby hostel. But it's great to meet up with friends, my roommate especially.

Now, everything has gone back to normal so i will have to switch to serious mode again, no more playing and there are loads of assignments to be handed in this week. Now i'm doing one of the assignment. I feel so empty and sad because i miss my family. so, I'm listening to Christian songs to revive my lost strength. Praise the Lord!

Well, in the midst of my busy schedule, i suddenly have the urge to write, again. it's been ages since i've last written. My one and only loyal fan is my baby sister. At least i feel appreciated, someone acknowledge my work. :) I've drafted something in my mind but because of all the work, i'm afraid i might have to wait a little while because i could really write.

I finally found a good title.. but i can't display it, in case someone steal it.. hehe ... i will start drafting a little by little from now .. good night then.. please look forward though..

It's nothing but a memory

When I look back at the road I've walked through, I wished i didn't.. I'm not a saint, so there are memories which i'm not proud of.. but then, it's all a memory of yesterdays ..

Now I'm cracking my head doing mt assignments.. and it's so tiring.. tension.. I'm afraid i may be wrong, write out of topic, etc .. but when i looked back, it's not like i have never done and gone through all these before.. it's a cycle, and i will have to go through it until i give up studying .. :)

I just got back from my father's village.. it was really stress releasing! The air was so cool and when it rained, the night will be so cold and i really had a good rest as compared when i'm at home because the weather is so hot, and it's haze!!

After going there i really felt refreshed and i will use that new strength and continue on with my life..

Tomorrow I will be going to school for my school based experience .. not that nervous because i have gone through it before, excited because i'm going to a school i've never been to before..

I really hope that after today everything will be good .. :)