Note to self: Please be nicer to yourself

It's the holidays again and my, my, to think I could have one whole week to myself so that I can rest and do anything I want after the UPSR exams. But alas, I find myself doing work AGAIN, even after I told myself not to. But I had to, it's work!
Then, I started thinking. Enough is enough. How long am I going to see myself being bullied by seniors? It's not even my job to begin with! And no matter how I contributed, like I always do, the credits would always go to THEM. It's not like I'm badmouthing anyone here, but that is a fact. The fact that in general, the newbies are always bullied by the seniors to do donkey work. This is so not healthy. But can anything be done about this situation?
For me, yes. I have finally, for one, decided to not say the magic word. I don't care anymore, it's not my job so when I am being questioned, that would be my respond. easy. simple. not lying.

It's really difficult to get out of this kind of situation, especially when we are in the workplace. Unless you know your way to sweettalk yourself out of the situation then you're a genius. I guess I am the dumb one here, always too afraid people might judge me for being lazy and not doing my job.
But when I think of it now, it doesn't matter anymore, whether I do the job or not, they will always be there to judge me. The reason is simple, they never like me and they hate to see me free. I have just worked my a*s off and just when i want to relax, they would say i am so free compared to them.
Life is never fair.
Someone told me some people are just so lucky to have good lives. But i told that person it is wrong. Those people have good lives because they know which side of the bread is buttered.
As for me, on the other hand, I don't go and sweettalk people, I do my job as best as I can and that's it. ( I can't and don't want to change who I am) that's why I'm facing all this sh*t right now. But I will do my best to prevent that from happening right now. If only ... All I can do is pray for something to happen now. I really hate what is happening right now.
So, I just want to push everything away and pretend nothing ever happened. What's the point of doing EVERYTHING and not getting ANYTHING out of it? It's like I'm a ghost writer. Really gets me questioning WHY is this happening to me all over again. It's because of my say YES attitude. Hate myself for that.
Well, so...
Note to self: Please be nice to yourself, treat yourself to something nice and let's forget about work for awhile.

Believe in what you pray for

Often times when we pray for something, let's face it, for example, ME, I don't really expect that my prayer would be answered. I doubt too much, I just pray because I need to, but I don't really expect it to be answered. Why? Because there was a time when I used to trust in answered prayers, and then suddenly everything changed. My prayers went unanswered and I was left there, waiting for a reply that never came.

Then, I realised, with painful truth that, it was with good reason that it wasn't answered. Most of the times, we pray with a desire in our heart. And that desire isn't healthy. It makes our prayer into something totally different, it becomes instead of "God, can I have this?" to "God you MUST give me or else..."  See the difference in those two situation? My prayer often became the latter part, much to my regret. 

I still have a long way to go in seeking God, that is why my life journey will never be a boring one, because every day I discover something new, that changes the way I see God and making me understand, though not all the time, that it's because He loves us that He refuses to give us what we want, because the thing we want, would eventually hurt us. So, if we still want it anyway, then whatever the consequences, we must learn how to face it on our own. Of course, we would also tend to blame God because it looks like it was because of Him we got hurt. Humans... 

Oh well, I was never perfect to begin with. There are so many things that I have learnt along the way and today's entry, about believing in what we pray for really means a lot to me.

The waiting part is always the hardest, but when we passed that phase, it would be a lot easier. Of course, most of the time we don't know when do we actually pass the waiting test. Only God knows and therefore, we must learn to trust in Him, and listen to that small voice, or so I've heard and read His words all the time. 

As for me, since I started to pray and BELIEVE in what I prayed for, now although I am still waiting, I will still praise Him because as each day comes to an end, my answer is a day nearer. I just simply believe that the timing must be perfect in order for everything to fall into place. I am still waiting, FYI, but I just have to trust Him on this matter, because it is a big matter. 

So, do not be afraid, pray, but take away the unhealthy desire thingy, pray with a humble and hopeful heart, and the secret recipe is to BELIEVE that you have actually received it, and thank God for it. 

Dear Me: How did 2015 treat you?

Now is already the month of December, time really passes by fast.
I don't think I am ready for 2016, just thinking of next year makes me shudder!!
2015 has been a memorable year for me, actually. Many things had happened, good and bad alike but at the end of the year, they are nothing but memories that I either want to cherish or throw away.

2015 is the year where I thought I actually met the One, but actually I just made a fool out of myself. Since then, it feels like a quest to search for the real one, until today it was without luck.
I try to tell myself that surely the Lord has something better in mind for me, it's actually to stop myself from crying because deep down I know that if i try to take matters into my own hands, I would only end up getting hurt because I haven't been exactly obedient to God. I thought that it was time for me to meet him, but I guess only God knows when and He knows the BEST time to reveal him to me.

So, through the months that came, I kept on riding this emotional roller-coaster where sometimes I feel so happy that the next day I would fall into a depressed state. Despite being sad and broken-hearted, I still decided that the best thing was still to pray.

Here are some motivational verses that I got when I was going through the hard times, and believe me when I say this, God is near to the broken-hearted! He might not be visible to us but He is definitely there when we need Him. Even though I can't see Him, deep down in my heart, I just somehow know that He has been stopping me for a good reason. Although I can't see it now, but I know that time will tell. (I got this from an FB page, really useful as a source of comfort when I am feeling down and all alone in this big world)

In conclusion, God is telling me everything is all about timing and that I must be obedient and seek HIM first. 

I get the point, but sometimes I just feel like I have been waiting for ages and nothing is ever given to me. I can't get what I want, but what I don't realize is that, without knowing it, I got other things instead, things that I never thought of. 

It's also a sign that my prayer can't be answered because it's just not good for me, no matter how much I want it, because the problem is what I want isn't necessarily what God wants for  me. 

That is why, no matter how sad or broken I am, I know that I must trust Him when He says that He has everything handled for me. 

Now, I am resetting my focus, instead of chasing things, I have stopped searching, and now I am focusing on seeking God first. I find it soothing, calm and exciting at the same time because each time I read the Word of God, there must be verses that are relevant to me and verses that I can relate to what I am going through right now. 

For example last night as I was reading the Book of Luke, when the angel Gabriel told Mary about how Elizabeth was 6 month pregnant even though she was very old, the angel said, "For no word will be impossible with God". 

And because Mary believed, the angel then said, "And blessed are you who believed, for the things that were spoken to you by the Lord shall be accomplished."

God does not take promises lightly, so I get the idea that when God promises, He would surely carry out His promises. So, I must simply believe that God has already granted His promise to me. It just takes the correct timing for His promise to come true. 

Even Jesus said, "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:24-

Trip to KL + Convocation day

Thinking back, I always though that graduation day would be fun, but it turned out to be my worse nightmare. I dont know if it was because of poor management or simply I was too weak.
But the process of getting to KL and meeting up with my friends and getting the scroll made it all worthwhile.

First, my friend and I arrived at KL and attended the briefing before our parents came. Then we had fun going out together, since we had never been to KL together. Although we didn't really go to many places but by just being together it was already fun!
\

(Finally got the scroll, yup, I have graduated, getting a first class degree in Tesl, Thank you Lord, all glory and praises goes to YOU,)

(Flowers for me!! )

Flashback of my first year part 2(end)

Hi, so here is part 2 of what I have been through in my new school.
Although sometimes there were hard times but I would like to see it as something that I can take up and improve myself so that I could do better in the future.

(went for picnic by the river)

(It was a wonderful experience, except for walking in the jungle)

(Malaysia Day, so we went to town just to celebrate and had breakfast at Sugar Bun)

(Malaysia day parade, it could be a rural school but believe me, the number of pupils are those of an urban school)

(This class even had their own pictures, year 3A, hehe)

(Had a great time, although the walk was quite tiring, but the spirit was there!!)

(My class won the best class in decorating for the Merdeka day, congrats to us!!)

(Year 6 trip to Kuching, this was at Semenggoh wildlife)

(In the bus with them..)

(At Damai Beach with the pupils and friends, the scenery was breathtaking but i didnt have time to take more pictures)

(The wooden bridge, it was a nice experience for me because I myself, being a Kuching person had never been to Kampung Budaya before)

(Group photo with all the staff, teachers and the year 6 pupils) 

(Dinner with them)

(Malam apresiasi murid asrama and te theme was red carpet, it was a grand night and i even won a hamper and RM50!! Praise God)

(My first annual dinner...)

(Group photo)

(Me and one of my girl that would be transferring back to Sibu, it was a sad moment, do ignore my smile, she was a great pupil, and this is really a big lose to my school)

So,  I guess that's about it for now. 

2015 had indeed brought me a lot of memories, despite bad things that happened, I would take it as a reminder to improve myself in the future. 

Goodbye for now and God bless!

Flashback of my first year part 1

It's been a while since my last entry. Been busy with my new career as a teacher, plus being posted in a rural school made it difficult for me to get a hold on the internet, and when i do have time to go to town, I had to finish up my work.

Now is already the first day of December! I really can't believe how fast time flies, because it only seemed liked yesterday that I was packing my things ready to set off to my new school.
It has been 9 months in that school and trust me, so many things happened that I really want to share. Of course there are the good, the bad and the sad memories, but since it's the season to be jolly, let's only dwell on the good memories that happened this year.

(training pupils for choral speaking competition, won third place and represented kanowit to Sibu, although we didnt win, but the experience gained was really worth it!)

(my humble home, this was when we first moved in, wait till you see it NOW, i prefer it when it was still like this xD)

(Morning scenery from the back, the heavy mist in the morning made me feel like I'm living in the mountains, but in the afternoon it would be hot as if you're in an oven!!)

(After two weeks, finally going back home for the CNY holidays, hey, we had to ride in a lorry, boat and van to reach the airport, luckily i made it on time!!)

(After the holidays, my kids got their medical check up and injection, they were year 1 and I was their homeroom teacher)

(my favourite subject: Art class, although i am teaching english, i love arts too, and i like it when the pupils enjoyed themselves and i could see that they are really talented, although the process was gruesome and they had their shirt all stained by paint)

(One of the good thing in a rural school, is that you get to eat all those exotic food! This is one of my favourite, known as PAMA, it's a type of frog and as you can see from the picture, the legs and head are still inside the pot, i only like to eat the thigh because they really taste like chicken! YUM!)

(During one of the long weekends, finally got to meet my best friend, MAG!! She came all the way from Bintulu to Sibu just to meet me! How sweet of her! Talked non-stop even if it was only for a few minutes) 

This is the end of part 1, so be prepared for the next part to come! Bye

Starting a new career: Teaching

After waiting for a month plus, finally I got the name of the school which I am posted to. I was shocked at first because I have never been to any place outside of Kuching (my hometown).
My first school is SK Nanga Ngungun in Kanowit.
But, as they say losers can't be beggars, meaning to say that I have no right to say anything because I could have no posting at all, so a job is better than job, hence the saying. :)

Anyway, I did a bit of checking and found out that the school is actually not bad, despite having to use an express boat to arrive there, it's still actually quite near the small town. I just hope that it has everything I need because I really don't know what to bring and I'm now afraid that I would forget to bring what's really important.

The feeling I'm having right now is bittersweet. It is great that I got a job but I was secretly hoping that it was somewhere near my family. But, I hope there's some blessing in disguise. Now, all I want to be is think positively and hope for the best. So far, I've contacted the school's headmaster and he seemed a nice person and so I could only pray now.

(In dilemma of what to bring.. going somewhere new could be such a headache sometimes)

(I feel like I'm trying to put in my whole wardrobe into the luggage)

Let's pray that the people there are nice and that I can communicate well with them. Amen.. :)