Standing Strong

Stinking day

Everyday looks the same to me, except today i don't know why i think that i just got up at the wrong side of the bed. I have this sensitive nerves and all that and i hate surprises. I still find it hard to adapt to the current surrounding. Now the weather is so hot i don't need t go outside to get dark. 

Today was a weird day for me. I guess it was because i couldn't sleep well last night. For the past few weeks, after i decided that i didn't want to think too much and just sleep, i stopped sleeping!!!!

I don't know why but my mind is so weird. I dreamt of a lot of weird things and even some dreams made me wake up feeling resentment and anger. I tried to curb this but i guess today was the boiling point. I admit i was extra sensitive today. Well, i don't give a damn of what happens as long as you don't disturb me. Besides that i tend to think a lot, and i mean a lot. 

SO i began with negativity. Urgh, i wished i would stop thinking that way but i can't. So, i had this cold war, which i don't know who started it first with someone. Seriously i find this situation damn irritating. I can't stand it but then i decided to calm down and let my emotions cool down, because i have no reason to feel anger or resentment( though at the current moment i am). 

The reason for this entry "Standing Strong" is because just now i read back my previous entries and found out i have went through this problem before, so i should be getting used to it by now. I hate pretending but i finally realised that people don't like me because words i say tend to hurt their so-called ego nature. Well, i don't lie and they deserve to know the truth, NOT the fabricated truth. 

Hence, today sucks. I really hope that the Lord will grant me some peace as i sleep tonight. I don't want to go to bed angry and having this ill feeling. I'd better go now as i have a group discussion. God Bless~~

After a HARD DAY

After being so disappointed, i decided to treat myself to some luxurious treats to cure my broken heart. I don't care what others think but i have my feelings to care about. So, i ordered Pizza Hut and shared it with my roommate. I guess after eating now i feel much better .. Be happy people. This is all part of the Lord's test to see how strong we are in Him, I didn't get good results but i hope there will be a lot of other chances in the near future.. 

Feeble February

Feeling extremely down

Oh well, for the beginning of February, this isn't a great start to begin with. There had been such chaos of feelings and personal thoughts, including myself in class today.

I hate feeling this way but one thing for sure is that I don't believe a thing that person has to say. People nowadays are often not truthful, even to themselves, either they are confused with themselves or they are just too self-denial. For me, you should be aware of what you are talking, what you promise others. So that you will not go back on your own words, in my way of speaking, eating back your own vomit. 

Oh well, in my case, that person did. But without realising it because i guess he's just too full of himself. 

Anyway, due to this situation my day was splashed with eternal darkness. I don't know what to hope for anymore. i don't want to judge, so i hope no one will judge me. I speak of my own free will, i totally disagree with the way I was being insulted. I remembered that person saying of not practising favouritism. Oh, how i hope i could smash him. But my mind just won't allow that to happen. Weird, all i could think about at that time was this:

"Different people have different abilities"

After that, whatever that f**l said meant nothing to me because all i could think about was things that i'm good at. I admit i don't have good presenting skills, i suck at talking to the public but somehow or rather if if God's will for me then i have nothing to be afraid of because in time to come things that i never expected would happen and who knows what the future holds? All i can say now is that 

It doesn't means that if you can't do something you are a failure

Never let evil people poison your mind with their evil thoughts and opinions. Say this instead, "I am unique in my own way and the LORD has already planned my future carefully for me, so why should I be afraid of words that can only harm me temporarily, compared to GOD who could destroy the body and soul when it's thrown to hell where the fire never goes out?"

We should stay strong no matter what happens. My mission this February is to apply what I've learnt all this while into practice.  

Hence, i guess i failed my first mission today, in letting my emotions get the better of me. 

Thoughtful Thursday

"To serve, not to be served"

This was what the Lord Jesus said to His disciples. I often wonder how I could go down to that level. I've tried but often met with failure, due to my ego. But as time passes, I guess that little by little i'm trying to improve. 

Every night i do my devotional without fail. But today, or the last few days, i kept on reflecting to myself. After all this, is my life more meaningful? i mean, i kept thinking of this phrase, "we should not just read and understand, but we should put it into actions".

I reflected my life, well starting this year, last year.... i don't know, i can't really see my own changes, i need opinions from people on the outside, people around me. 

I want to lead a good life, to not have enemies, not to hate people without reasons. 

But it appears that i still face a few or many problems, with people, of course, and also in the Lord's words. After each reading, i feel my sins accumulating. I feel so ashamed of myself. But i want to improve on it. It seems to me that every year i come to know the Lord even better. For example, like last year, i still get tantrums and also show the ugly side of me, of wanting to get what i want. But this year i feel i shouldn't let my emotions take control over me. I can't say for sure i'm following, it takes those around me to see whether i've REALLY changed or not. 

Starting this year, from what i could see for myself in terms of emotions, i didn't get moody so fast. When i do, i will try to push that feeling away, i don't want to create a problem out of nothing. 

But i still dislike people, i don't know, if i don't meet them i won't even think of them, but when i do see them, that feeling of dislike just appear. 

I remember Jesus mentioned before an example where He compared his followers to pagans, whereby we, as his followers should love our neighbours and ALSO OUR ENEMIES. Because what's the difference between us and the unbelievers if we only love our neighbours and HATE our enemies? Isn't that equivalent to them(the unbelievers)???

I read and understood, but to apply it in real life, real situation, real people, people who have hurt me before, people who have insulted and looked down on me, IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS IT SEEMS. 

That's where the problem lies. I love and thirst for God's words, but then, in terms of applying it, i still find it difficult, does it mean i fail as a Christian? Just thinking of it makes me devastated. 

But i refuse to give up, with God's help, if He says that i can forgive and love my enemies, then i can do it.

For the Bible also mentioned that,
"It is easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter heaven, but if we believe in God, everything is possible, because He said that to Him, nothing is impossible."

WE must have faith in Him. If we want to become the person He wants us to be, then we should let go of all prejudices and our egoistic behaviour and let the Lord guide us through our ife's journey. 

I'm human, and because of this, i will never give up trying until the day come when i could finally love those who have hurt me. In my heart, i want to forgive them as the Father has forgiven me for my sins. 

SO far i'm trying to determine how strong my faith in Him is, i don't deny the fact that sometimes i still feel like He has abandon me, but then through the scriptures, the Lord has promised that He will not leave nor forsake us. 

Lord, i pray not only to understand Your word, but this time I am ready to practise it in my life. Therefore i truthfully pray that You will guide me, help me make the correct decisions so that it will glorify Your name. Even though i don't like that decision, help me to understand that it must be done and help me to accept Your will gracefully and in the time to come i will be able to accept willingly and not because i'm being forced to Lord. 

My weird dream yet

Today was just tiring as usual. Come to think of it, though it was just sitting in the class for 5 hours, i felt like it was eternity. Anyway, i guess my attention span is getting shorter, i tend to go on a day dreaming trip or just stare at space blankly. That's why when it comes to questioning time i would be so silent because either i have no idea what's going on or i think i'm listening but then i'm afraid that my answer would be wrong.

Anyway, about this dream i had, it was just downright WEIRD!!!!

I don't know, but here it goes....

I was in a car with someone beside me, i only know he's a guy and that he's driving and i was sitting beside him. I could feel this affection towards him. It's like i like him and care for him so much. Well, we were going somewhere. The road was so familiar, in fact too familiar. It was actually the way back to my home!!
Suddenly, the road became very hilly( not like my road home at all). Then it was covered with mist.

(well, it looked something like this picture, though not exactly because the weather was bright and sunny)

I had this bad feeling, like when you can't see anything and you're afraid that you might fall into something. So, the guy continued to go, i think i asked him to slow down as we went downhill. Along the way, the second weirdest thing happened. I was looking at the clouds and suddenly, the sky was like going through a procession. The weather was fine, but then again that bad feeling came back...

(Yup, that was exactly what i saw, the funny thing is, i never really saw it anywhere at all, so how is it possible that i dreamt of it?)

(The sky colour was orange but a bit brighter than this picture)

One of the clouds resembled a tornado, and it was horrifying!! I checked out the net and it was real!!! I really didn't like the looks of it. Another cloud formation i saw was one that resembled a flower with X's for its eyes, when it noticed someone looking, it turned its direction towards me. I was so shocked, the flower looked so creepy. It was really a weird dream. Of course, i woke up immediately. I can't bear to continue
my troubled sleep.

Interpretation by my friend:

She said the person in the car might be my soulmate. The sudden mist on the road symbolises the hardship and obstacles that we both are going to face in the future. Same goes with the hilly road. But in the end, we still reached our destination, meaning that no matter what happens, through thick and thin, we will face issues and challenges together. 

But what about the scary looking clouds?

She didn't mention about that but she did say that the cloud that resembled a flower reminded her of "teletubbies", meaning to say i was thinking too much (  I drew the picture for her). 

Conclusion

I hope this is just another funny dream... Well, that's all for today. Night and God bless~~ :)

Great day

I began my day by waking up early because i needed to do my laundry. So, at 6am sharp i woke up and rushed down to where the washing machine was because I wanted to be the first person if not there will be a lot of people queuing up and i had to wait for a long time.
Luckily, i was the first person, so everything went well, after drying up everything, i went back to sleep!! :D
I was so tired, i don't know why because i slept early, i guess it was the accumulated tiredness i gained throughout the whole week. Anyway, i got up 9 plus, ate breakfast and started to finish up work that needed to be done. Late i had a shower and i decided to relax for a while and watched the mandarin drama. It's getting more and more complicated.

After that, i decided to just learn something about my subject for this semester. I only read a little bit and wrote down some notes, i guess i'm not the type to do early revision because all i do is write and nothing really goes into my mind.

Later, i decided to read a book  "Hearing God" that i borrowed from my lecturer, it's really a nice book and i'm still to finish reading it because i'm getting so busy nowadays and i don't even have time to read or to do my own hobbies. Huh~~~

Since I'm going for sunset mass, i started to search for the reading that would be used for today because last week something happened. We were scolded and asked if we were prepared before coming to church, meaning to say whether we have read the readings before hand or we just come empty handed. I was so ashamed, because i never read before-hand. This time i hope that i would be more prepared and also not just listen but also do my best to understand the word of God and apply it to my life. I don't want to listen just for the sake of listening, but of course sometimes my mind is so full with other things that i couldn't really concentrate. Anyway, I pray that the Lord can answer my prayer.

Just wanted to show my newly renovated study table.. hahaha...

New year new look because it's been a year since i've changed the cover of my table, it was too dusty and i can't stand looking at it. Now, i love looking at it and also doing my studies became more comfortable, because it felt much cleaner. Well, i hope that my life will be more organised this year. I'd better get going now. Happy weekend and God bless~~ ^-^

My focus this year

Hi again! Actually i wanted to sleep but i feel like i needed to do this entry. It's about what i want to focus on this year. Of course, there are a lot of things which i need to focus on, but this year i feel especially sure of the one thing that i want to focus on.

My Faith.

Yup, i want to renew and strengthen my relationship with the Lord. Because i have experienced a lot last year, His presence was so great, He showed me the way to do things right, He protected me when i needed Him the most, when no one could be with me. He heard all my complains when i'm weary and He gave me rest when i was too tired to do anything, and most of all, He blessed me in my exams, and practically everything. I could go on forever on what the Lord had done in my life. But most of all, i also experience this roller coaster ride where sometimes i feel He's here and sometimes He's like, gone. I want to know more about the Lord who had sacrificed His own son for us sinners. Hence, this year i began going to Bible study classes, and also i increased the time of my devotion, unless when it's too late, but i will not miss reading the Good word of the Lord. My life changed drastically after i accepted the way that the Lord wanted me to live. I'm not perfect, but now my aim is to slowly obtain and ask the Lord for the fruits of the Spirit. 

This year I'm going for my teaching practice where i will be teaching in a school for one month. I'm so nervous but if the Lord says that, Nothing is impossible, then i just have to trust Him on this. So far, the lecturers are doing an excellent job in getting us ready for teaching. There are so many things to absorb at one go. Hence, i'm so great that it's Friday, so i'm going to kick the sack soon. I didn't even have my afternoon sleep thanks to some meeting that i had to attend just now. In the end, i went to the park with my friend to refresh my tired mind and soul. 

Love

What is love really? i guess in the end i still don't know much about it. If there is love, then why must we hurt each other? The Lord had said that the most important commandment of all is to love your neighbour and yourselves. I guess in this world, there are not many left who could love, they only care about themselves and they don't bother about others. They just want to be successful in life and they don't mind destroying other people if that's what it takes for them to succeed. I've met a lot of people of that kind. I would certainly like to meet the person that could love God more than himself. Speaking of which, i was just thinking about the special person i would be meeting once the timing is right. I want a man who is matured but then at times or could make my laugh and make me feel appreciated. Also, he must be keen in reading the word of God, not just for the sake of reading but with understanding and love God more than me, with that we could both serve the Lord with Love. Other small but important things including allowing me to do things i like, like my own hobbies and we would share some common interest so that we would not bore each other out so fast. Sorry for getting carried away, well, this year i just want to focus on the Lord, who knows the Lord's timing? i can only pray and wait patiently. I guess I'd better go now. Bye good night and God bless~~~