Trust, does it really exist?

Oh well, so much for being a new year, there's so much stress already..
I'm currently in my final degree year. There are only 2 subjects but i feel like dying already.
I'm doing action research and i can feel my head almost wanting to explode. :(
I LOVE research.. for fun, but i never thought the real one would be so difficult.
I couldn't sleep and eat well just thinking of the two words: action research...

Anyway,since it's the weekend i decided to give it a rest and cut some slack..
This girl needs a serious break!! >.<

It's been a while since I've thought about this word: Trust

I used to trust people, I used to, but that was all back in those good old days where people dont stab you at the back and use you for their convenience.
Now, i don't even dare to say that word out loud.
I wonder if it even exist anymore.
A few days back i started thinking of that fateful day when someone i was so close to abandoned me, took my for granted. How can i ever put my trust in that person anymore? I believe that was the breaking point for me. Since then, I just simply didn't trust in anyone anymore. I just go on with my life but deep down only God knows how hurt i was, and still am.

I searched the internet for the meaning of this word and it came out like this:

firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

I have been troubled since, so I started reading my faithful book called " Psalms to soothe a woman's heart"
I don't know why but i always feel that when i'm in trouble the book really helps me a lot! It's like magic you know. 
For example, when i'm facing this particular problem, i would just randomly flip to a page. But the amazing thing was the psalm and prayer was exactly what i needed. 

I take it that the Lord works in wonderful and mysterious ways. I don't know what else to think. Well, it's your opinion to judge.. 
Anyway, now my problem is with trust, so here is what i got and i want to share it:

"God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life. He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always." -Psalm 121:7-8 MSG

Prayer: God, you know how difficult and upsetting my situation is. Help me to trust you in and through this. Nothing is impossible for you, and so my heart will rest in your care. Amen

I'm no saint and I can frankly say I could and perhaps am one of the worst sinners in the world. But in my sinful heart, there's this hope that prays for God's mercy to forgive me and that i will be the person he wants me to be.

Belated new year 2014

Happy new year!!! Since its still not yet February so i guess wishing happy new year is still valid ..
2013 was a fun and challenging year.
During the holidays was the most fun part because i get to do the things that i like most, my knitting and crocheting!!!

Below are some pictures of items which i have made.

(My own handmade crocheted pencil case, new year NEW things!!) :D 

(The three little pigs) 

(The little duckling with its puckered mouth) 

(The cute little mouse)

(This is my own pattern, Tigger, which i made for my sister since she requested it, like years ago and only during THIS holiday i had the time to make it for her, just in time for christmas, hence her Christmas gift)

(Miniature hello kitty, for my cousin which is a Hello Kitty maniac fan) hehe

(Rilakuma for my cousin who also happens to like this bear) 

(A sleeping sheep, it was supposed to be a gift to my dad but he said it look too MILD, so I made a goat for him instead, which is his zodiac) 

(This is a pouch that i sold) 

(another pouch in the shape of a duck) 

(This is my family, all the items which i have crocheted all this while, some were not in the picture because my mom already wrapped it, ready to give away) 

( This is the little goat for my dad) ^-^

I also celebrated Christmas at my dad's village in Serian. It was really fun because i got to meet all my cute nephews. It was as if yesterday they were just babies, but look at how big they are now. I guess I just didn't realise i was getting older as well.. Life is short and in no time all of them would be grown up and I'll be an old lady..

Life can be fulfilling, if you let it

Now's the year end holidays and I'm spending most of my time at home, helping with the house chores.
I've never felt so happy in my life before.
It seems the older i get the more sentimental i become. I feel so blessed to have a home to go to and my family is always with me.
I'm grateful for the little things i have, i don't come from a rich family but we are happy with what we have and we can still live.
Studying away from home taught me to love my loved ones more because i may not be able to see them often.
Now, my schedule in the morning will be sweeping and mopping, then i will prepare lunch.
In the afternoon, i will do crocheting and knitting, which is my hobbies.
At night, after dinner, i will read my favourite books, which i think will take me long time to finish as there are tonnes of them! I bought them at this second-hand bookstore and i was so happy because i really got a lot at a very reasonable price!!

(What i would do when i have nothing else to do) relax, loving the holidays

(Sometimes, i even read in bed, it's the best feeling ever because once you're tired you can sleep right away!!)

(Sometimes at night when i can't sleep, i would just be like this girl, sitting and looking outside my room's window, wondering about my what-if questions and looking at the stars in the sky, and if im lucky i could sometimes see the moon too, and it's light shining right into my room, if only i can follow the light, what an adventure it would be!!) 

I recently found out that life is too short, if i always spend it on revenges, then  my life will be hollow because all i feel is hatred, i want to feel love, be loved and explore the world before it's all too late) 

Good night and God bless!!! :)

I'd stick to my books

Life is never easy.. Everytime you see a green pasture, it's just a banner or a billboard.. It's fake..
Life's not a bed of roses, "thorny" roses, maybe.. not if you have a smooth sailing life, then something is wrong. Well, maybe you are an optimistic person..

I'd rather stick to my books, my own world..
In my own world, no one is able to hurt me and I'm the person that makes all the decisions.. No one can harm me or stab me, because it's MY world, MY story..

In the real world, people change too fast.. It's scary, in just a blink of an eye, everything can change.. Nothing is permanent.
I don't put much hope in the real world.. It's broken and sick..
I only put my hope in the One that created me..
I've once put my complete trust in people, but they took it for granted, they threw me aside and isolated me..
But God is great.. I survived after almost 4 and a half years.. One more year to go and I'm out of this place..
But I am grateful because this place has taught me lots of things..
People cannot be trusted and those closest to you will be the person that is going to hurt you the most.
I was stupid and still am..
I now am grateful that I am alone because in this way I won't get hurt..
However, there are some who treated me well, I am grateful for them, but that's that, I can't let anyone into my heart anymore.. I've been through too much, the scars in my heart aren't fully healed and I doubt it will recover fully..
I am also grateful for my family, though sometimes even they can't understand me.. I must stand on my own and I am MOST grateful as the Lord is always by my side when i am at my weakest point.
For that, I can't thank God enough, I know until the day I die I won't be able to repay all the kindness and mercy that He had showered over my life...

This is how I feel when everything just seems to go wrong, even the weather is crying with me :'( 

A game called tug of war

Life is like that..
Survival of the fittest~~
I guess I'm on the weak side of the rope..
And people just don't care these days, they don't care if you are alive or dead..
I just sincerely hope all this will end soon..
To anyone who is feeling down and think that the world is suffocating them:

A Prayer for God’s Protection

71 I run to you, Lord,
for protection.
    Don’t disappoint me.
2 You do what is right,
    so come to my rescue.
    Listen to my prayer
    and keep me safe.
3 Be my mighty rock,[a]
    the place
where I can always run
    for protection.
Save me by your command!
    You are my mighty rock
    and my fortress.

4 Come and save me, Lord God,
    from vicious and cruel
    and brutal enemies!
5 I depend on you,
    and I have trusted you
    since I was young.
6 I have relied on you[b]
    from the day I was born.
You brought me safely
through birth,
    and I always praise you.

7 Many people think of me
    as something evil.
But you are my mighty protector,
8     and I praise and honor you
    all day long.
9 Don’t throw me aside
    when I am old;
    don’t desert me
    when my strength is gone.
10 My enemies are plotting
    because they want me dead.
11 They say, “Now we’ll catch you!
    God has deserted you,
    and no one can save you.”
12 Come closer, God!
    Please hurry and help.
13 Embarrass and destroy
    all who want me dead;
    disgrace and confuse
    all who want to hurt me.
14 I will never give up hope
    or stop praising you.
15 All day long I will tell
the wonderful things you do
    to save your people.
But you have done much more
    than I could possibly know.
16 I will praise you, Lord God,
    for your mighty deeds
    and your power to save.

17 You have taught me
    since I was a child,
    and I never stop telling about
    your marvelous deeds.
18 Don’t leave me when I am old
    and my hair turns gray.
    Let me tell future generations
    about your mighty power.
19 Your deeds of kindness
are known in the heavens.
    No one is like you!

20 You made me suffer a lot,
    but you will bring me
back from this deep pit
    and give me new life.
21 You will make me truly great
    and take my sorrow away.

22 I will praise you, God,
the Holy One of Israel.
    You are faithful.
    I will play the harp
    and sing your praises.
23 You have rescued me!
    I will celebrate and shout,
    singing praises to you
    with all my heart.
24 All day long I will announce
    your power to save.
I will tell how you disgraced
and disappointed
    those who wanted to hurt me.

Instead, think of it as a new day and ask the Lord for renewal of strength and take one task at a time.. :)

I know it's hard, you feel like dying, giving up, crying and breaking down.. I've been through all of that and hye, I'm still typing.. Even though it is difficult to believe when i say that "God will not give us what we cannot handle".. But i'm starting to believe it... 

Still being alive and healthy is the best miracle the Lord can ever give me.. 

God bless and smile :) 

Living the life of a pauper

I guess I am much better off than a pauper really. But I just realised how blessed i am to have a roof on top of my head and that I have enough money to buy food and water to drink.
I bought lots of buns but ended up not eating it because I cooked rice instead. So for today's lunch, I'm having expired buns and a cup of cold nescafe (which was the leftover of what I had this morning).
I learnt to become grateful for all that I have and because of that I know it isn't right to throw food away because in other places, there are people dying right now out of starvation.

Another reason is because I have already troubled my family enough. They have barely enough for themselves but just one call they are willing to sacrifice just for me. I don't want them to suffer. So, at least I'm filling my stomach with food and being full is more than satisfying because I learnt to save precious food and also be happy that God has blessed me greatly.

So, what are you thankful of today???? 

Praise the Lord our maker today because HE has blessed us with so  many things in life.. Don't let the sadness of life take away His happiness for you... God bless and have a wonderful day... :)

Reality of life

Happy Sunday everyone.. The weather here is cloudy and there's no sun. But hey, it's the Lord's day.. Rejoice and be glad that we are given another chance by being alive on this day.. :)

Since I went for Sunset mass the previous day, so today I'm just staying in my room. Happy that I'm all by myself because I have the room to myself. It really soothes my soul and I can listen to all the songs I love with ease...

The exam is near so I'm starting to revise with whatever notes I had collected so far. It's difficult to study because my mind is still not in the revision mode yet. While looking through the notes, I thought about something and I just had to laugh to myself, lucky there was no one in the room with me or else they will think that I am crazy..

(Exams weeks away, have to start my revision with whatever notes that i have. feeling scared and nervous. but i know that the Lord is with me, I have to be calm and trust that everything is going to be alright) 

(That's me, now I'm renting a car, before i rented it, no one ever asked me out (other than the usuals), obviously now it's because i have a car to bring their butts around... reality of life..) 

Luckily for me, I'm immune to this situation, of course i won't lie not getting hurt and become sad, but then that's the fact of life so i accept it with an open wounded heart. I wonder what it would be like when the time comes to have my own car. wow... don't want to think that far ahead of time..