I my me and mine

To survive in today's world, that is what we should all be doing, if not you will definitely find yourself at the bottom of the well.
It's a sad but true fact of life. Even your own friend don't trust you with information that they think will make you better off than them.
I'm fade up with people like that but still I have no choice but to live among them. This is how the world works now.

It's difficult to be the good guy when you want to succeed in life.

However, as a Christian, we should know what to do and follow Christ, our best role model ever!!

I'm always the last person to know when there's something going on. Of course, there are still a few good souls out there and it's thanks to them that I get updated.

That's why now i have to be always alert of things around me and try to ask around. I know it hurts our pride, but we need to survive too. So we just have to bear with it...

Anyway, i guess we need to think of it as a challenge and find ways to overcome it. Maybe He wants us to humble ourselves.
I went through a lot of hardship just in order to learn that He wants me to be humble.
I had a hard time until the day I realised what God has in store for me: Being humble.
Humble is never easy because i never want people to pity me nor use me for their own benefits.
Sometimes, things like this just have to happen. It's just meant to be. I can't really explain why and how but all the prove I have keep pointing to one thing and that is All this while my life has been revolving aroung God's will for me.

I was never happy before because it seems that nothing that i want ever comes true, but i stopped complaining the moment i realised that I was going towards the path that the Lord has set for me. He has given me what i needed for my journey and not what i wanted because all those weren't necessary.

I'm still learning and there's just so many things which i have realised recently and therefore now i will accept things as it is and be assured that this is the Lord's will for me and i will obediently follow Him without questioning Him.
I have been questioning Him for too long now and it's time that I let my faith do the rest.

Favouritism

James 2:1-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

The Sin of Partiality

2 My brothers,[a] show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.2 For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, 3 and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, “You sit here in a good place,” while you say to the poor man, “You stand over there,” or, “Sit down at my feet,” 4 have you not then made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5 Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him? 6 But you have dishonored the poor man. Are not the rich the ones who oppress you, and the ones who drag you into court? 7 Are they not the ones who blaspheme the honorable name by which you were called?

I'm not sure if those reading this have ever faced "favouritism" but it's already become a norm in my life. 

Being down is normal, but my spirits immediately raised when I saw this picture, 

We should be very grateful that our Lord does not have any favourites, we are all the same to Him, no matter how GREAT we think we are, no matter how much we contribute to the church, etc. 

Humans, on the other hand, is different. We do not think like God because we are not Him.

Favouritism in my understanding is to favour another person over the other. 

This will always occur to people whom they deem not GOOD enough, not PRETTY enough or not SMART enough. 

I DO want to think that it does not hurt, but in fact, I'm crushed.

I really hate this feeling and at times like this, God seems so far away, it's one thing not able to see Him, but I want to feel Him, the thing is I can't feel anything at all. All I can see around me are lies and deceit. 

I just want to be left alone but it can't be done like that. 

I am in the stage where everything around me is complete darkness and i have no idea where i'm going. I just keep on to the Lord's promise that, if I trust in Him completely, i will never get lost even though i don't know where i am going.

As for now, all i can do is pray.

Nothing is going right for me at the moment. When i look at others, i just feel envious and jealous (exactly THINGS that i don't want to feel). I have failed again and again.

Finance is another problem. Living in the city really takes it toll. I feel like dying sometimes, i can't afford to eat out, and so biscuits and plain water/milo/nescafe are my only choice, it's my breakfast, lunch and dinner.

But still, I am alive, and for that I am grateful to God ( though sometimes i do wish i could leave this wretched world)... 

Lesson behind a blocked ear

Ahh, nothing feels more tortured than to be partially deaf. I am grateful that the Lord blessed me with a healthy body.
I'm currently on a 1 week break and I thought that I wanted to relax but suddenly my ear just had to torture me.. At first, I did what I did best, always trying to solve the problem on my own.
So, my ear only got worse. It started to hurt alot, until I couldn't stand it anymore. So I called my mom and she told me I better go and get it checked by a doctor.
It was then, I prayed. Yup, prayer always seemed the last thing to do only after everything I TRY to do on my own fails.
Here, I realised that I have yet a lot to learn. I always thought I would trust Him to care for me, but instead I always take matters into my own hands and in the end, I am the one getting hurt, then I blame Him for allowing me to get hurt. But in actual fact, it was I who didn't wait for His signal and went my own way.
I don't know about others but I do think that sometimes we tend to make our own decisions.
It was until I fall then I remember that we (humans) can make all the decisions we want but He is the One that approves of everything.
I seem to be repeating the same mistakes over and over again. For me personally it is difficult sometimes to wait on the Lord because there are desperate times that you need immediate answer. But this thought is wrong, because we should know that the Lord will ALWAYS answer our prayer, it's just that His timing is different from ours and what we want is different than what HE wants for us.
In the end, I prayed because I didn't want to hurt my ear anymore and went to the clinic. Now my ear is fully healed.. ^-^
Thank God....
I believe that obedience is very very important, if we are faithful in the Lord, that faith will not be in vain.. It's just the Lord's timing is unpredictable, it comes when you least expect it.. For example, for my ear medication, I was given the medication for free!! I went to the governmental clinic and the fee was supposed to be RM1, but on that day no one charged me at all.. :) I have every reason to praise the Lord God Most High..

Little angel

It's been a while since I've updated this blog. The reason is that I'm currently having my teaching practice and it is just so tiring!
However, today something happened and I really wanted to share it with everyone.
It's about a little boy, a boy from my class. What he did really made me touched and how i wished i had a brother or if i were to have a son in the future, i want to have a son just like him.

His name is Amzi. It was after school and i was carrying out my action research. He came by for a short visit. Suddenly, he asked me for help. Then I realised that his school bag was torn. He asked me to fix the zip back to his school bag because it came out.

I noticed that someone sewed his bag before, so i asked him, expecting it to be his mother, but to my astonishment, he said it was him!!! Bear in mind that this little boy is only in Year 2, already he knows how to sew and repair his bag.

I didn't have to ask him because he told me that it's been awhile since he bought a new school bag because his mom won't allow it, so he did his best to protect his bag from getting torn. I was so touched and trust me, i felt so emotional at that time. I never ever met such a good and caring boy. He doesn't complain that his mother won't let him buy a new bag.


It's so difficult to find such a good boy nowadays...

Angels in our midst?

Do you believe in angels?
Do you think they are among us? Protecting us and covering us from harm and danger?
I can say that I'm in between because i never really encountered a real life experience..
I know there ARE angels among us because I trust that they protect us and keep us safe. We usually call them our Guardian Angels.
Even though I've never met mine before but I'm very thankful because by just knowing my angel is with me I feel much safer. Angels are sent by God to protect us. Cool isn't it? It's like having your very own personal bodyguard.
Lately, I've been thinking about angels again. I don't know why but there's was this incident that happened years ago when i was still quite young but i have a good memory to remember clearly what happened. I didn't know much about angels then but i think i might just had witnessed something that i will never forget as long as i live.
The story began like this:
My sisters were both in the bathroom bathing, since they were still small my parents didn't allow them to lock the door in case they couldn't open it later. So the door was slightly opened. Inside the bathroom there was this mini sink where you could wash your face from. It was old and shaky. My parents did everything they could to keep it steady so that it will not fall off.
As they were having fun splashing water everywhere, i was walking pass the bathroom, suddenly I saw a hand holding on to the sink. Then, BANG!!!
The sink fell and crashed! We all had the shock of our lives! Quickly my parents rushed to the bathroom and asked if my sisters were alright. After getting them out of there safely, a thorough body checkup was being done. Not a single scratch was to be found. Was it possible? The sink was made of porcelain. It was broken into a million pieces, and they weren't hurt at all.
I told my parents that i saw a hand holding the sink, could it be one of them pulled at the sink, that's why it fell off?
But like i said, i was young and no one trusted me. And both my sisters said they weren't anywhere near the sink.
Soon the incident was forgotten. A few years passed then suddenly i just had this thought.
I asked my sisters again and still they had the same answer. So i decided to think back, back where i SAW the hand holding on to the sink.
I realised something, my sisters' hands were small, so it was impossible for their hand to be so big, like the hand i SAW holding on to the sink. The hand was definitely a woman's hand, slender.
I decided to keep quiet about it until i can't stand it anymore. So i brought up the topic to  my mom. She was amazed and told me that it must have been a guardian angel protecting them.
So, all this while i got it wrong, i thought the hand belonged to one of my sisters but actually it wasn't!
I don't know if i consider myself lucky seeing an angel's hand. But God is great and He protected my sisters from getting injured.


Another story just happened last year...
I was on holidays and was spending time at home. It was a windy afternoon. I decided to pick out the dry clothes and fold it. Just then, i saw my dad coming down from the stairs, he was quiet, which seemed unusual to me. So, out of curiosity, i guess, i followed him until the kitchen, but the thing was, when i arrived. there was no one there.
Suddenly, i called out to him and the reply came from the living room, in front! I went back and saw that he was wearing a grey shirt. Funny, because earlier, i saw him wearing an orange-stripe shirt.
I told my dad about it and he shook it off easily ( I didn't tell him about the shirt colour), but i just can't. I thought about it for a long time. Around 5pm, he got ready to go to the park. After changing his clothes, he came down. And this time I got the shock of my life. He was wearing an orange-striped shirt!
Could it be, that i saw my father's guardian angel????
Well, something to ponder about...

Who really knows you

In this whole world, there's only One that knows you in and out, and that is the God Almighty, because He made you.
It's funny how people always think they know you but actually they don't know ANYTHING.

Outside, we can look happy and like there's no worries at all, nothing can ever harm us or no burden is ever too heavy. But have they take a look at what's INSIDE our heart? No. Because they don't have laser eyes or supernatural powers to hear our deepest inner thoughts.

Only God knows. At first I thought, "come on, someone must have gone through what i'm going through now". So i started sharing my feelings and hurt with others, but what did I get in return? More hurt. Nobody really understands us. The most frustrating part is they act ALL KNOWING and pretend to know us.
Urgh, hate it when they are like that.

It helps to know that the Lord knows who we really are.
I'm grateful because at least now i know there's someone who really cares and knows what I'm going through, now some dumbo who thinks he knows everything but actually NOTHING!!

Well, enough with the frustration, I just wanted to share some verses from the BIBLE proving that our God is an ALL KNOWING GOD:

1 John 3:19-20

By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.

And also HE knows when we hurt inside,

You know how troubled I am; you have kept a record of my 

tears.

 Psalm 56:6 (Good News) 

He even recorded our tears! How cool is that? :-)

Trust, does it really exist?

Oh well, so much for being a new year, there's so much stress already..
I'm currently in my final degree year. There are only 2 subjects but i feel like dying already.
I'm doing action research and i can feel my head almost wanting to explode. :(
I LOVE research.. for fun, but i never thought the real one would be so difficult.
I couldn't sleep and eat well just thinking of the two words: action research...

Anyway,since it's the weekend i decided to give it a rest and cut some slack..
This girl needs a serious break!! >.<

It's been a while since I've thought about this word: Trust

I used to trust people, I used to, but that was all back in those good old days where people dont stab you at the back and use you for their convenience.
Now, i don't even dare to say that word out loud.
I wonder if it even exist anymore.
A few days back i started thinking of that fateful day when someone i was so close to abandoned me, took my for granted. How can i ever put my trust in that person anymore? I believe that was the breaking point for me. Since then, I just simply didn't trust in anyone anymore. I just go on with my life but deep down only God knows how hurt i was, and still am.

I searched the internet for the meaning of this word and it came out like this:

firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

I have been troubled since, so I started reading my faithful book called " Psalms to soothe a woman's heart"
I don't know why but i always feel that when i'm in trouble the book really helps me a lot! It's like magic you know. 
For example, when i'm facing this particular problem, i would just randomly flip to a page. But the amazing thing was the psalm and prayer was exactly what i needed. 

I take it that the Lord works in wonderful and mysterious ways. I don't know what else to think. Well, it's your opinion to judge.. 
Anyway, now my problem is with trust, so here is what i got and i want to share it:

"God guards you from every evil, he guards your very life. He guards you when you leave and when you return, he guards you now, he guards you always." -Psalm 121:7-8 MSG

Prayer: God, you know how difficult and upsetting my situation is. Help me to trust you in and through this. Nothing is impossible for you, and so my heart will rest in your care. Amen

I'm no saint and I can frankly say I could and perhaps am one of the worst sinners in the world. But in my sinful heart, there's this hope that prays for God's mercy to forgive me and that i will be the person he wants me to be.